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Winning awards is easy. Name an award. An Oscar for best picture, you say? If you want to be taken seriously, you’ve got to give your movie a one word title. Titanic, Gladiator, Braveheart and Chicago all did it. Nominees like Traffic, Babel and Chocolat all had the right idea. If you want people to see your film as important, get Paul Haggis to write horribly memorable lines like “Girlie, tough ain’t enough” from Million Dollar Baby, or “I’m the fucking district attorney of Los Angeles” from Crash. If that doesn’t work, you can base your film on an already critically acclaimed novel like No Country for Old Men … or Ghost.

You want to win a Grammy? That’s even easier. Become an established musician, do some groundbreaking work, then wait 25-ish years and release a boring, derivative, acoustic guitar-oriented record.

Year after year, it seems that Grammy nominations get more and more irrelevant. If it isn’t a shitty Paul McCartney album, it’s the Pussycat Dolls. All in all, it’s a very bizarre situation.

This year, however, there are actually nominees that deserve nominations. I wouldn’t say In Rainbows by Radiohead was the best album of the year, but it’s much better than Viva La Vida by Coldplay (both nominees). And even though Robert Plant and Allison Krauss will probably win “Best Album” for Raising Sand, it’s good to see Li’l Wayne up there.

I am also very appreciative that the artists nominated for “Best New Artist,” Duffy and Lady Antebellum among others, are actually new artists. I am still baffled by Fountains of Wayne’s nomination after “Stacy’s Mom” came out, and that the Grammy folks thought Modest Mouse was a breakout group after Good News for People Who Love Bad News dropped.

The only category that truly made me scratch my head was “Best Alternative Album.” It is like they decided the nominees by looking at Paste magazine covers. Evil Urges by My Morning Jacket? Seriously, that was not a good album and no one can tell me otherwise. Also, how is that alternative and not rock? There are two separate categories, but with the exception of Gnarls Barkley’s The Odd Couple the nominees are totally indistinguishable.

Why is In Rainbows under “Best Alternative” and Viva La Vida under “Best Rock?” That Coldplay album sounds like the band is playing Radiohead in an underfunded biopic. What makes Death Cab for Cutie so alternative, anyway? Kings of Leon made just as boring of a record as Death Cab and both bands use crunchy guitars and plenty of reverb, yet one is rock and one is alt.

Check out the nominees yourself. See anyone you think really deserves the award they are nominated for? Sure, The Grammy Awards are just a good way to take up some time on network television, but let me tell you the night will not be nominated for my “Best Awards Show” award. At least we can agree that “Sexual Eruption” by Snoop Dogg truly was the best rap song of the year.

“If you don’t know by now, Doggy Dogg is a freak.”