Smile Politely. Speak Directly. A Champaign-Urbana Culture Blog

Make haste, Valiant Readers! Ready your armour and swords. Join me in my battle against the greatest foe currently facing mankind. A foe capable of making chartered accounts shit their pants right in front of their mother-in-laws. A foe with the power to make mere toddlers utter the foulest of curses and imprecations. A foe that with no real effort can turn loving, caring aunties into rabid, flesh-eating harridans. Indeed, Intrepid Readers, this foe must not be allowed to continue tormenting our lives.

One may ask, “What foe haunts our existences with such ceaseless maleficence?”

Look all around you. It flows around you. It permeates your spleen. It rushes through your vena cava. It excites your red-coral stump. Any guess yet? Precisely. We must join together and defeat that most gruesome of all nemeses — The Internet.

“Dearest Campus Wit,” you say, “What is your quarrel with The Internet? We find it to be most fruitful and worthwhile. Explain yourself.”

Very well, Inquisitive Readers. Lend me your ears and listen while I spin a tale of wretchedness and woe.

After years of living with fellow humans, I finally managed to free myself from the chains of communal quarters, and I moved into my own personal lodgings. Upon the commencement of the occupation of my new chambers, which I call Isolation Manor, my elation, euphoria, and ecstasy could barely be contained. I jocundly jumped for joy and cheerfully cavorted without care. However, my gout quickly began to act up, and I was forced to repose. While reclining in a chair of the finest leather, I realized that the only thing missing from Isolation Manor was The Internet. “I must procure myself a hearty dollop of The Internet,” I thought, so I immediately took up my quill and wrote a most satisfactory letter to the “Company Of Many Considerable and Admirable Services and Transactions” requesting a shipment of Internet. Due to recent technological advancements in mail service, I received a reply in two short weeks stating the rates and terms for sale of The Internet. I was initially pleased when the letter arrived, but my pleasure soon turned into vicious fury once I read the contents. The letter stated that a one month supply of The Internet would cost me “The Low Low price of only $60.”

“Sixty Dollars!” I screamed, “The Devil take me if I take part in this foul highway robbery!“

In my wrath, I quickly wrote a letter back to the “Company Of Mangy Cuckolded Arse-beetled Scoundrels and Two-timers” and gave them a piece of my mind. In my letter I included four thousand seven-hundred and seventy-eight better uses for my sixty dollars. An excerpted list follows:

1.Stick it up my own bunghole

2. Stick it up my brother’s bunghole

3. Stick it up my sister’s bunghole

78. Stick it up my newborn niece’s bunghole

414. Stick it up my oculist’s bunghole

616. Purchase four bocce ball sets

1617. Purchase a cut-rate gazelle.

1618. Purchase a costly ant

2456. Donate to unrepentant trollops

2457. Donate to repentant trollops

3687. Use it to take pinches of the finest snuff

3688. Purchase the finest snuff

4512. Give it to debauched monks and friars

4513. Give it to consumptive clergy

4514. Give it to knocked up nuns

4778. Light it on fire and use the flame to burn down The Internet

I put down my quill and began to review my list. Much of it was written in a blind passion, so some entries surprised me. When I read the last entry, which I had no recollection of writing, I leapt out of my chair and called my manservant, Trim. Without losing a moment, I requested my horse and armaments be made ready.

At this very moment, I am raising an army such as has not been seen since the days of yore and legend. We shall march to the building where The Internet is housed, and we shall lay siege. The siege may be long and arduous, but if our hearts are strong and our intentions pure, we shall overcome. Once The Internet stronghold is ours, we shall burn it to the ground, slay all of its inhabitants (women and children included), and when the blood of The Internet stains our doublets, we shall be free once and for all from its tyranny. Peace, love, and merriment will flourish. I entreat You!

Join my valiant host! Onward to Victory!