Smile Politely. Speak Directly. A Champaign-Urbana Culture Blog

2:46 a.m. Saturday, a solid five hours after the first presidential debate and I have yet to find a single news/blog posting regarding the two major points not made in tonight's debate.

Point 1: No idiots spoke. Of the three people involved, all of them are intelligent, and essentially rational. This is good news. There were no southern accents for the first time in twenty years. No one evoked "god."

Point 2: Obama missed a HUGE rebuttal point on Ireland.

During last week’s presidential debate, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain managed to snare his Democratic counterpart into a long and testy exchange regarding the practice of congressional earmarks, in which McCain blasted their impact on federal budgets.

Regardless of whether you think the practice is enriching or bankrupting the country, Illinois’ 15th Congressional District is getting it’s cut.

Under increased scrutiny of the earmark process, Congress recently agreed to shine some light into the smoke-filled back rooms where power brokers wheel and deal away the taxpayers money. Members of congress are now required to disclose their earmarks. So where is Congressman Johnson sending your money?

After I left U of I, I decided to go back to school to pursue a nursing degree. I made the huge mistake of going to a private school, which costs exorbitantly more than a two-year or a one-year, accelerated program. I made it through two semesters and then I entered the clinical phase.

However, there are lots of things we don't know and we want to rely on the wisdom of the masses to help straighten us out.

So, masses, we have put on our hardhats and our flameproof suits, and are ready for honest, searing feedback on how to make the Smile Politely website a more pleasant place to navigate and use. Lay it on us.

No, the only honorable way out is at this point is to hand over control of the world to robotic overlords. I’m tired of my species being the one responsible for all the injustice in the world. I am now willing to be rounded up like cattle by a master race to ensure that it no longer happens. In the end, I’d rather fight evil robot overlords for control of a barren and ravaged planet than have to explain extraordinary rendition or golden parachutes to my kids.

The Human Treat

Tomorrow Cold Stone Creamery will be giving away their indulgent ice cream creations to anyone who walks through their door in celebration of their seventh annual "World’s Largest Ice Cream Social" and to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Yes, go there between 5-8 p.m. and you’ll get a three ounce serving.

My question: "Is the ice cream made with breast milk?"

No, really.

If I am not day dreaming, our economy is currently reeling from the recent pop of the “junk bond” bubble, and yet the same group of conscienceless speculators are busy blowing up a new bubble (historically, we’ve had a few years to get the gum off our faces, to recover, catch our breath before the huffing and puffing began again). Not to mention the huge, old and trusted, banks and investment brokers brought to their knees by irresponsible financial practices.

In other words, the Bible suffers from the same malady that afflicts Jesus as different people have projected their individual biases, desires and agendas, turning both Jesus and the Bible into something they never were intended to be.

But even if we took away all of the crazy notions about what the Bible is, we are still left not with a single, unified book, but a collection of books written at different times by different people who also had their own peculiar biases, desires and agendas.

A little over two weeks ago at the Republican National Convention, dozens of journalists were arrested for doing their jobs. Among these journalists was Amy Goodman, host of Democracy Now! — an independent national news program. On Labor Day she, along with her two of her colleagues, was arrested outside of the RNC and still could be potentially charged for a felony riot (UPDATE: charges have been dropped against Amy Goodman).

This past week, John McCain's post-Palin bounce began to fade. Reality smacked everyone in the chops: no matter how you vote, your portfolio just shrunk. The sudden lightness in the purse corrected the "all Sarah Palin, all the time" coverage. A lot of news outlets are talking about an actual issue, now. It's amazing how money can motivate.

But before the Lehman/Merrill-Lynch/AIG trifecta, party political commentators continued to flaunt the red herring, "you hate Sarah Palin because she's a woman." That's silly. We hate — or rather, fear — Sarah Palin because she's stupid.

These are the stories that are fascinating me before the election:

1. The research (and subsequent news stories) on how presenting misinformation and then rescinding it only strengthens some people’s belief in the lie. Research now specific to politics is underway. So, trying to turn a belligerent Republican — or Democrat — into someone who reads factcheck.org is a futile effort. This knowledge has lately stopped me from forwarding left-leaning NYTimes op-ed pieces to my poor republican sister who only wants her millionaire husband to “be able to keep the money he works so hard for.” He hates the idea that he has to pay taxes. (You can start here.)

So, who do you wish were here? It's been documented ad nauseum this week that a founding editor of Smile Politely produces Pygmalion, but that doesn't mean that you can't express your feelings about the festival in this space. Heck, we might even listen. Setting aside such trivial concerns as budget, tour logistics and even whether or not they're defunct, let us know what band(s) you'd like to see at Pygmalion.

From Richard Oppel's Jr.'s New York Times column on August 22, 2008:

"Although the “surge” is often described as the turning point that led to lower violence, a number of American officers contend the Awakening that began well before the surge in 2006 in Anbar Province and continued in Baghdad last year was the most significant reason for the decline. In some places, American casualties plunged within weeks of the Sunnis joining with American forces."

McCain and his new comrade, Sarah Palin, in continued alignment with Bush policy, are touting the “Surge,” the increase in troops sent to Iraq in 2007, as a huge success.

Huh?

Someone needs brief McCain and Palin on the American backed Sunni tribal Awakening also known as the Sons of Iraq (SOI).

Oh My! I did not see you there Noble Reader. Pardon me. Let me see. I am truly quite apologetic for my lack of preparation. I was just preparing my tax return (best to get those kind of things done early. If you know what I mean… if you catch my drift…) and did not expect you so soon. I suspect you are hungering for the continuance of my recollections of Parson Yorick’s exploits in Champaign and Urbana. Well, famished reader — you shall starve no more!

Avanti Popoli!

As I previously related, a most unfortunate amputational trip to the hospital greatly delayed our pitiable Parson’s visit to this fine borough. When I left you, I had chronicled the Parson’s visit up to and through his trip to the quadrangle. After that debacle, I hit upon the idea of taking the Parson to a class. I fancied that he would find the modern collegiate classroom to be most intriguing. As we were in the quadrangle, I picked the nearest building, which happened to be Foellinger Auditorium, and we entered into the premises. As we ambled into the great hall, the Parson was still noticeably distressed at all the cell phones on campus.

When I go to a gas station I’m usually already pretty irritated for the obvious reason of having to pay $4.00 a gallon for gas. But sometimes I go to gas stations and don’t even buy gas — yet I find myself irritated anyway. This is because the only other reasons I stop there are to satisfy my addictions to Mountain Dew and Camel cigarettes. So when I walk into a gas station it’s either because I’m itching for more caffeine, more nicotine, need more gasoline, or some combination of all three.

What kinds of reality creation will no longer be available to us? Here’s a partial list:

• No more blaming terrorist attacks on countries we want to invade.
• No more climate change happy talk.
• No more tax breaks for the wealthy to help poor people.
• No more solving the energy crisis by invading other countries or drill, baby, drill euphoria.
• No more bankrupting government as a service to taxpayers.
• No more killing social security in order to save it.
• Most likely, not even another heckuva-job-brownie.

Nope, all we would have in front of us is the long slog of facing up to our problems and engaging in actual work to fix them. Yuck.

Last week, the UPS guy delivered a package for Anthony again. Anthony lives on the next street over. This is the fourth time this year.

After I spent an hour searching for a phone number (UPS doesn't list in the phone book, they want you to go to their office), dialed it and waited on hold for 15 minutes, I had a conversation along these lines:

As energy prices continue to put the screw down on America, its politicians continue to fling about questionable statements concerning energy policy and push even more dubious legislation.

Where does Rep. Tim Johnson stand?

Johnson probably wasn’t chanting “drill baby, drill” during the Republican National Convention. He’s not a global warming naysayer. He doesn’t want to drill in Artic National Wildlife Refuge. He subscribes to the Midwestern orthodoxy on ethanol. He wants to stick it to OPEC and energy speculators. Johnson is also a fan of the nuclear energy churned out by Exelon (who are also fans of him).

The jury is out right now on just how well the Zooker and his Illinois football squad will respond to the pressures of a pre-season ranking or repeating a Rose Bowl bid. In the first two games of the season, we've watched the once-fallible Juice Williams turn into a legitimate Heisman hopeful — maybe even this year — depending on the outcome of some of the upcoming contests.

There are holes though. Certainly, J Leman and Rashard Mendenhall are missed in more ways than one. Williams is breaking rushing records as a result of having no true go-to back setting up behind him, and the defense gave up a 52-spot to the Missouri Tigers. That isn't such a huge deal considering the fact that Mizzou is considered one of the most high powered offenses in the nation, but they also allowed three touchdowns to a pretty weak opponent in the Eastern Illinois Panthers.

So, how about you? Will Illinois bowl this New Year's Day? What about at all? With a schedule as tough as the Illini's, there is no question that the answer remains to be seen.

Champaign-Urbana is a place of many exciting events and affairs. Most of these notable happenings are reported on by the local fourth estate. However, to my great surprise, one of the most sensational and important occurrences of recent years has passed by with nary a news brief or report. I am talking, of course, about the visit of Parson Yorick to Champaign-Urbana last week.

The esteemed Parson chose Champaign-Urbana as the locale most suitable for his reintroduction to human society after meditating in isolation for 240 years. I was fortunate enough to be his companion on his journey through the Champaign and Urbana.

In fact, at the beginning of the day the police were generally benevolent. Although they were milling about while we discussed our plans for the day, they didn’t interrupt us and, when Campus Antiwar Network (CAN, the organization I was with) finally moved out from the quad with the rest of the student protesters, bike cops protected us at intersections. They gave us this protection in spite of the fact that we were breaking a St. Paul law (we had more than 24 people demonstrating without a permit), so I was anticipating a day with civil interactions and minimal trouble.

The first email was from a local conservative Christian evangelical church leader praising Sarah Palin whom he had just seen delivering her acceptance speech for the Republican nomination for vice president. He noted how wonderful it was that the Republican party had nominated a woman for vice president and then drew a parallel with his church which he also thought was wonderful for having female leaders. Funny, I don’t remember him writing anything similar when Hillary Clinton was one of the final candidates for the democratic presidential nomination. And he must have “forgotten” that Geraldine Ferraro was nominated as the democratic candidate for Vice President in 1984. Apparently nominating women as leaders is progress only when Republicans and/or conservatives do it.

Perhaps that’s what God had in mind with commandments and sins. Think of it as a piping hot transgression of a commandment placed within the warm, toasted enclosure of a general sin. But there are too many commandments and not enough sins, which require you to go to church every week to try to reconcile them. God may get a lot praise for being omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, but in my opinion, people don’t praise His or Her marketing genius nearly enough.

Who is Timothy V. Johnson?

He represents you in Congress. Although just one voice among 435, the man has leverage in deciding where your tax money goes, how (and if) the environment is protected, what laws will be applied to what parts of a woman’s body, who will be bombed, and what wall separates the lives of private citizens from the prying eye of the National Security Agency.

Being a member of congress is an important job. So SP.com politely asks, "Who is Tim Johnson, and what is he doing in Washington in our name?"

What's left to say about Sarah Palin? Just some observations about her attackers. I cannot believe the outpouring of hatred towards her I noticed during the days after she was introduced. Every intelligent woman in this town that I came across (and by intelligent, I mean ‘able to breathe on their own’) loathed her. Intelligent men did so a bit more quietly, passively.

We all thought “the race is over!”

Dear Students: Many of you may be aware of an event known as Rush. It is my objective to warn you of the potential downsides of Greek organizations. I advise you to not succumb to the aggressive recruitment tactics used by these organizations. It has been my concern over the years, that the Greek culture of alcoholism and lack of respect for the community degrades campus life. These organizations present themselves as prestigious, yet are discriminatory, serve to perpetuate social inequality, especially with respect to the opposite gender, and promote a lack of diversity. Many students have expressed concerns with regards to safety on campus, particularly due to Greek culture and behavior. It is my hope that a student's experience on campus strengthens one's individuality, but the Greek system emphasizes the group above all, without cause or reason. This is detrimental to the purpose of universities. I hope that you will consider wisely.

But just as the USA persevered when the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor (an Animal House here folks), the Greeks will survive this hoax. So what do you think? What sort of impact do fraternities have on the community, both student and townie? Are they a crusading force for good, a deplorable group of evildoers, or do they perhaps reside somewhere in a nebulous gray area?

Her timing was good. She was funny. She spoke directly.

It was a good speech. If you missed it, here's the transcript.

So rather than deconstructing her delivery, we can focus on the content. I'll be brief.

She did well in reshaping the "bridge to nowhere" talking point. Even if she did change her mind about it, she framed her change of direction as getting the money where it should go (to the people of Alaska). She said if it's going to be built, we (the people of Alaska) will do it ourselves.

Citing Harry Truman recalled to us a maverick who chose to do right, however unpopular. It recalled a man who served an old and dying president. It recalled a man who found himself thrust into the presidency in wartime, and who soon after deployed two atomic weapons. That's interesting.

Make haste, Valiant Readers! Ready your armour and swords. Join me in my battle against the greatest foe currently facing mankind. A foe capable of making chartered accounts shit their pants right in front of their mother-in-laws. A foe with the power to make mere toddlers utter the foulest of curses and imprecations. A foe that with no real effort can turn loving, caring aunties into rabid, flesh-eating harridans. Indeed, Intrepid Readers, this foe must not be allowed to continue tormenting our lives.

One may ask, “What foe haunts our existences with such ceaseless maleficence?”

Look all around you. It flows around you. It permeates your spleen. It rushes through your vena cava. It excites your red-coral stump. Any guess yet? Precisely. We must join together and defeat that most gruesome of all nemeses — The Internet.

When I consider many of the issues that consume the political and theological dialogs of the world, it seems that this ideological battle between Sith and Jedi is always present. On one side of the issues are the Siths who want to believe that the world is black and white, that there is only one answer — their answer — to every problem. On the other hand there are the Jedis who see the world more realistically, in shades of gray.

Wow, I thought the choice of Joe Biden was dull. Now I understand the strategically brilliant aspect of choosing Joe Biden: It's dull.

As a follow up, John McCain stunned us with a choice who's barely old enough to be a credible cougar. Three days later, she stunned us with the news that she's old enough to be a grandmother! Perhaps it's an appeal to the inner-city youth vote.

Last week, I compared Joe Biden to Chester Frazier. The essence: No frills — workmanlike. This week, I compare Sarah Palin to a six inch plastic doll. My metaphor remains, as always, within the Illini basketball diaspora (if only faintly).

Sean Harrington is cute. Jereme Richmond is young. Patrick Beverley exemplifies the fundamentally unprepared. They share these qualities with Sarah Palin. But no one puts it together quite so well as the anatomically and politically incorrect Little Penny.

I’m not depressed because Republicans now think the election is over, since it was a brilliant and game-changing pick. And it isn’t because Democrats now think the election is over, since it was an irresponsible and desperate pick. No, it’s depressing because it closes the circle of hypocrisy and now allows everyone enthusiastically to call everyone else a hypocrite until Election Day.