Smile Politely.com / Opinion

In Dog We Trust

2008-07-23T14:00:00Z

This past week I met a lot of dogs because I just happened to be visiting various friends who all had a dog or two (or four in the case of one who was dog sitting).

One thing I have noticed about dogs is that they are among the most accepting and tolerant creatures on the planet. They don’t care if you’re black or white, gay or straight, Christian or Muslim, conservative or liberal. They just sniff various parts of your body (which you may or may not appreciate) and then somehow they say to themselves in their lovable dog brains, “I like the way you smell. You’re OK.”

]]> Dogs don’t judge or condemn you because you’re not a canine and they make no demands whatsoever that you become like them.

I wish human beings could be like that. But human beings, especially religious ones, get it backwards most of the time, which is kind of ironic because Dog is God spelled backwards.

And I think certain religious groups might be better off if they worshiped dogs instead of the intolerant, judgmental self-projections that they call God.

So today I am starting a new religious revolution.

I would like to propose that we replace that pithy and useless saying on our money with “In Dog We Trust.” And let’s replace that similar phrase in the Pledge of Allegiance with “One nation under Dog.” These changes would tell the world that we are a country full of good will, love and compassion instead of a country of an intolerant, sexist, racist, and homophobic deity.

Dogs rock. They really do.

I know, I know. Now, the cat people out there are crying foul. They will suggest that we make the changes say, “In cat we trust” and “One nation under cat.”

But that just won’t do.

A religious nation founded on dog principles is clearly superior to one founded on cat ideals. Dogs are loving and kind. Cats are selfish and cruel.

I’m a dog person. You should be one too.

So join my tolerant, loving and compassionate crusade to put dog pictures on the walls of every court house in the nation. Then we can start tackling the problem of what to do about cat people. For they surely are corrupting our society with their catnip and their litter boxes and their disgusting coughed-up hairballs.

I mean, yes, I’m all for tolerance, but we have to draw the line somewhere.

A Touch of Crazy

2008-07-22T14:00:00Z

The News-Gazette commentary section gave us a double helping of crazy this past Sunday from nationally-syndicated columnists. On the whole, that makes it a light day of crazy for the News-Gazette commentary section, which is often capable of reducing my faith in humanity to a point where I look forward to robots, aliens or even apes taking over.

This week’s entries are from Michael Gerson, former speechwriter for George W. Bush, and Cal Thomas, far right-wing Christian apologist.

]]> Gerson bemoans how polar bears are now threatened. He mentions that temperature change predictions on the low end will cause suffering in places already most affected by poverty and on the high end will result in catastrophes of a global nature. Plus, Al Gore is annoying, and it will take a broad consensus to address the problem.

So far, so good, except the cheap shot against my main man, Al Gore. I suppose at this point I should praise any high ranking Republican who acknowledges that climate change exists. After all, they rarely emerge from their cavernous mansions and their idling, air-conditioned mega-SUVs long enough to notice how hot it is outside. As long as efforts to curb climate change will cost anyone any money at any point in time, they seem biologically unable to concede that there is a problem. So, Gerson is at least ahead of the game.

But then he wanders off into the woods by blaming our environmental problems on … environmentalists. You see, we are unable to solve this problem as a society because environmentalists are so partisan and extreme. I mean, you ruin one little planet’s atmosphere, and some people just get so angry. A few of them even think that the planet can’t sustain too many more humans, and want to lower birth rates. Why, that’s almost like believing in genocide! Mostly though, Republicans think environmentalists are icky, and don’t want to work with them, so we won’t be able to do much about global warming because of them. The environmentalists, that is.

Suppose insect-like aliens invaded Earth, intent on destroying it for its natural resources and environmentalists had figured out how to destroy their mothership to kill them all. If conservatives refused to help and the plan failed, Michael Gerson apparently believes this would be environmentalists’ fault. I mean, who could blame conservatives for not wanting to help environmentalists? If only those environmentalists had been less extreme, we could have all avoided the destruction of the planet by insect-like aliens. Shame on them! (The environmentalists, that is.)

Next up: Cal Thomas, Thomas who ends up being more hypocritical than crazy. He starts out quite reasonably, expressing concern that a Muslim school in Virginia uses a textbook that says that killing adulterers and apostates is justified (and, no, it isn’t the Bible, in case you were worried). But that is just a launching off point for his big concern: the systematic effort of Muslims to brainwash their kids.

What are they being brainwashed with? Is it creationism? No, not that. Are they teaching their children to fear homosexuals? Well, maybe they are, but Cal doesn’t say. Are they convincing their children that men should be dominant over women, or that women should not speak in church? Almost certainly they are, but that’s not what Cal is talking about.

No, Cal doesn’t like that they are teaching their kids that Jews and Christians are the enemy, and are preparing them for a global struggle against the west. Also, they call us names, like The Great Satan. I don’t know about you, but I hate it when people call me The Great Satan. One failed attempt at virgin sacrifice during my idealistic youth, and people just can’t seem to let it go.

But don’t get me wrong. I totally agree that religions should not brainwash their children to fear other religions as the enemy. I also agree that they should not prepare them for a global struggle or call them names. I just wish Cal Thomas would spend less time doing exactly that. He is prone to convincing others that our true enemy is radical Islam, Islam is by nature violent, most terrorists are Muslim, Muslims are intolerant and taking over England, Muslims are invading the US by recruiting here which will lead to the same kinds of riots that happened in France, and finally, that one way to control them is make them sign loyalty oaths. I guess this just proves the old adage that you are most bugged in other people by things you do yourself.

I also enjoyed Cal’s solution to religious brainwashing: our government should shut down the school, because that’s what they would do in Saudi Arabia. It may seem strange that Cal would want to emulate Saudi Arabia here, but remember that he is a big supporter of state sponsored religious schools. It’s just that his version of Saudi Arabia is one where Christianity gets the support of the state, while other religions are silenced.

I have no doubt that there are radical Islamic schools, here and elsewhere, that are dangerous and preach hate, fear, and intolerance. I think this is just as wrong as Jesus Campy, right-wing fundamentalist Christian schools that do pretty much the same thing. The problem is that one person’s brainwashing is another person’s enlightenment. This is why the founding fathers thought separation of church and state was a good idea. Teach kids whatever crazy stuff God tells you to, but do it with your own money and your own kids.

All I can say is, thank God for Garrison Keillor. His rambling column on why dumb stuff doesn’t matter (strategically placed directly below Cal’s column) restores my confidence that humans have some hope of survival after all.

Tanning Salons: Dedicated to Bronze

2008-07-21T20:00:00Z

A quick Google search of tanning salons in the Champaign-Urbana area comes up with about 17 listed locations. Not to mention, six of these tanning factories are within walking distance from campus. My apartment alone is within three blocks from two different tanning salons. I just can’t understand their popularity. Granted — I’ve never given them any business. It’s something that has perplexed me ever since I arrived on this campus. Little tanned outlines of playboy bunnies peeking out of low-slung pants weren’t new to me, but the sheer numbers of these bunnies — with the occasional heart or star — was astounding. Young women and, even men, flock to places like Solar Tan, Electric Beach or Classic Tan to get their tan on.

]]> Listen. I get it — looking tan can make you appear healthier. It’ll appear like you frequent the Virgin Islands every weekend during the winter. Some even say you look slimmer with a tan. Maybe you can even look like Jessica Biel — buff and bronze. And anyway, what’s so great about being your natural skin color?

Despite the wonderful advantages of fake tanning, I just can’t help being annoyed by the whole industry. It’s an establishment completely devoted to changing your appearance, and not surprisingly it’s an extremely lucrative one. Given the harmful effects of UV rays, I’m continually surprised at how popular tanning beds — concentrated coffins of UV rays — still are. It’s not like people put SPF on when they hop into a bed; that would defeat the purpose of the whole thing. The other option, spray-on is less harmful, but the cost is wearing all-over body make-up.

While some men definitely frequent tanning salons, an overwhelming number of salon patrons are women. Tanning salons specifically target women — many keep magazines like Cosmopolitan in the waiting areas. You can read up on 128 ways to pleasure your man while you wait to get some melanoma. Posters of bikini-clad models line the walls of some salons, reminding young women what they should strive to be. Everyday, girls walk into artificial browning salons so they can all look the same. How can a place like this promote anything but a negative body image?

More than anything, the tanning salon overtly perpetuates an ideal female body that is nearly impossible to achieve. A beautiful woman must be perfectly tanned, thin yet curvy, toned yet not muscular, and obviously — white. Logically, the people who feel the need to get a tan are of lighter complexions. Tanning salons don’t overtly exclude minorities, but they operate within an entirely white sphere. It’s okay, even desirable, to be tan, however it’s important to not be too dark.

Please don’t think I’m simply over-analyzing something trivial and worthless. It’s important to examine all aspects of popular culture, no matter how seemingly banal. Tanning salons don’t exist just "‘cuz". It’s part of a larger dominant ideology. They are there for a reason, and apparently people love that reason. I still don’t really get why people go tanning so often, often to the point of an orange/pumpkin kind of glow. It all seems more harmful than anything, if not for your body, at least for your body image. But maybe I’m not being fair. I’ve never actually laid under the healthy ‘natural’ 600-Watt glow of a tanning bed. Maybe I’ll go get my tan on and report back about how great I feel.

Or, maybe not.

Ask Politely #25

2008-07-18T22:00:00Z

With The Canopy Club hosting Central Illinois Metal Fest this weekend, don't be surprised if you see a couple of folks walking in town that don't seem too familiar with their surroundings. That is probably because they have flown half-way around the world to be here.

The CIMF has quietly grown into one of the most prominent music festivals in the world within a certain sub-section of the population. Headliners include bands like Monstrosity from Florida, Misery Index from Maryland and Incantation from Pennsylvania. They will be supported by bands from across the globe including Amagortis from Switzerland, Nominon from Sweden and Holocausto Canibal from Portugal.

Founder of the festival Matt Bishop says there are, "40 bands from seven different countries this year." The festival, now in year number seven, first began modestly at the Knights of Columbus in 1998 and ran it there until 2000. After a two year hiatus, Bishop brought it back in 2002 to The Canopy Club and has never looked back. Attendance is projected to double this year — which has seen a two day festival become three days.

A limited amount of tickets will still be available at the door all weekend.

So, with all this Metal being kicked out this weekend in our own backyard, we ask you:

Who ripped the most wicked Metal album of all time?

The Unwritten Rules of the Pool

2008-07-16T14:00:00Z

I went to Sholem Aquatic Center yesterday to enjoy the water and the sun on my day off. Sholem must be the place to be this summer because usually when I go there it is crowded and I can never find an empty poolside chair or an inner tube for the lazy river.

But this day I was lucky and found an empty chair. I plopped down my towel and flip-flops and reclined for a few minutes to enjoy the sunshine.

The chair next to me had a couple of pairs of flip-flops on it. In case you are unfamiliar with the unwritten rules of the pool, when you see peoples’ belongings on a pool chair, it means that that chair is taken. By putting something on a chair you “save” it so no one else can sit there.

]]> So while I was lying there baking in the sun with my eyes closed, enjoying the wonderful summertime sounds of kids laughing and splashing, my serenity was interrupted by the annoying, metallic, scraping sound of someone sliding a pool chair across the deck. I opened my eyes half-way and saw a blurry figure pulling away the chair that was next to me.

A little while later, a woman and her kids came to where the chair used to be. She made some kind of disgusted comment about how someone threw her things on the floor and took her chair.

The unwritten rules of the pool had been violated.

What I would like to know is how do all of you readers feel about these unwritten rules of the pool? I admit, I’m kind of on the fence regarding this issue. On the one hand, I don’t like it when I want to lie in the sun for a while but I can’t find a place to recline because everyone is using the poolchairs as if they were lockers. But on the other hand, once I find a chair and want to jump in the pool for a while, I want to make sure I still have a chair when I get out.

So what’s the solution?

Do you agree with these social mores of the swimming pool that say it is OK to save a chair for indefinite lengths of time when you aren’t even using it and while other people actually want to sit down? Have you ever had your belongings removed from a chair you saved and if so, what did you do about it?

Or maybe you yourself have knocked other folks’ stuff on the ground in order to take their chair and if so, what's your rationale for doing so?

Married People Rock

2008-07-15T14:00:00Z

In his column Single People Suck last week, Ryan touched a nerve among single people when he highlighted a billboard in Champaign that praised the economic advantages of being married. He believed this was an overt message disparaging single people because they are not married.

As a married person, I think I should chime in. It is unfortunate that Ryan should get this message directly from the billboard. Married people often have long discussions on this topic in their monthly cabal meetings, and we all generally agree: The message that single people suck should be subliminal, so as not to arouse heated arguments. Heated arguments just distract people away from their sole purpose in life, which is to get married as quickly as possible to the nearest person they can find.

]]> There may be lots of good reasons to be married: tax breaks, longer lives, more health, less drug use. Lesser known is that married people are 50 percent less scared of clowns and 85 percent more able to tune out the constant droning of other people talking. At least that is what my wife said the other day, I think, while I was trying to watch TV.

But aside from all these practical reasons, married people secretly know that the number one reason to be married is to feel superior to single people. Single people may enjoy more freedom, get to manage their money without someone else watching over them like a schoolmarm, and have the opportunity to travel the world without a spouse and kids in tow complaining incessantly about how hot and tired they are. But married people get to have barbeques with their married neighbors and complain about never being able to find what they need at Home Depot. They get to clean their home if someone else thinks it’s dirty. They even get to have long, comprehensive discussions about where to hang a picture they are embarrassed to have in their house in the first place.

And yet, despite all these natural advantages, it is harder than you might think to make single people feel bad about themselves. Hence, the need for billboards to convince them that we are richer, healthier and generally better people than they are.

Killjoys may bring up the fact that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, ergo, marriage isn’t all that great. This is highly misguided. The math is simple here, folks: If being married once is good, then being married twice is doubly good. Don’t make us put up a new billboard that say “Married People are Better at Math,” because then single people will get all mad and distracted again from their true purpose.

In fact, there is talk among married people of retiring the whole single people suck campaign, and putting our energy back into a far more effective program: abstinence-only education. Convincing young adults they are evil and dirty if they have sex before marriage works in two ways. First, it increases the odds that people will get married years earlier than they would have, just so they can have sex. Second, it increases the odds of unwanted pregnancy due to lack of basic knowledge about birth control. This encourages shotgun marriages, which count just the same as legitimate marriages. Either way, marriage wins. Sure, these methods increase the odds of incompatible people marrying each other for terrible reasons, leading to hasty divorces. But as long as both parties jump right back into another marriage, all is well. Remember, this is about marriage, not happiness.

There is only one exception to the unadulterated good of marriage, and that is the presence in a relationship of an extra penis or vagina. In that case, compatibility and commitment is simply not enough to overcome the extra body parts. I don’t personally understand why this is, but remember (and I cannot stress this enough): married people don’t care if you are happy, we just care that you get married in the same way we are, and quickly.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention the second best thing about marriage (aside from the joy of making single people feel bad), which is, of course, great sex. Sure, single people can have it with anyone who is willing at all sorts of interesting places and positions. But married people get to schedule it, like God intended. The essence of this has been put into song form by The Flight of the Conchords, which I’ll leave you with. Hopefully, it will encourage single people everywhere to appreciate the wonders of marriage enough to go to Vegas this very weekend with some stranger off the street and get married by an Elvis impersonator.

Art, Punk, Game

2008-07-14T13:30:00Z

July 4th, 12:30 a.m., after watching his mom blow off about 4 bags of 2-4-year-old fireworks, my 4-year-old child, the Ex-Toddler, is sitting in the dining room making art ("for my teacher") and listening to Sonic Youth's "Sister" album on his record player.

An ex-self-loathing generation X-er laments: our children will rebel not by becoming Republicans or hippies, Hare Krishnas or gay; these would be badges of honor for us, bragging rights. No, our children will rebel against us by co-opting all that we love, all our anti-societal memes, detournments, rages against the machines, which they'll absorb in healthy contemplative ways, suffering no cynicism or alienation. No highschool shootings, no self-absorbed depression. They’ll study the lyrics like anthropologists. They’ll enjoy the songs like popmusik.

“CHILD! It's 12:30 a.m., time to go to bed." I finally said.

"Am I up past my bedtime?" he asked gleefully.

I smiled politely.

]]> The Husband and I had a terrible time finding music for our wedding song. This was back in the year seven, B. 9/11.

All our favorite songs were either about wars, shooting, killing, feeling lonely, leaving someone, hating oneself, having a Plate in One's Head from Vietnam, being a drunk, doing The Bad Drugs, or some combination of all of these. All the albums (yes, I mean 12" vinyl) survived Y2K and 9/11 and are in our IKEA Expedit.

Bi-monthly, the Ex-Toddler randomly chooses a piece of our past, plops it onto his little record player and listens intently, reporting any swear words he notices, for at least two weeks.The cycle starts again and as all you parents know, the more upset you seem at what was chosen, the more the Ex-Toddler finds his passionate love for The Punk Music.

Man did he love "Kerosene" by Big Black. So did I. But I hid it after one play. I can explain the Spanish Civil War songs, the strange Big Dipper songs, the Naked Raygun songs, and he's not yet asked what a Catholic Block is, but I would not be able to explain what "Set me on FIRE! Kerosene!" means to my 4-year old, and why I sing along with it when it plays, under my breath of course.

In the interest of doing my job, I have begun to study games. I decided to teach a class on games in the fall. Not computer games, and not sports. A new field called “Alternate Reality Games,” — games that you play in everyday life. Kind of like the movie “The Game.” Games that blur the line between reality and play.

Pac-Manhattan was a live-action pac-man game played on the streets of Manhattan, using cell-phone technology to keep track of the game status. The Beast(game) was world-wide narrative puzzle game with interactive characters, a promotion for the crappy movie A.I. World Without Oil, in the year 6 A.9/11 (last year) a game that won a SXSW award (I remember when that was just a music conference! Gosh I’m old!) was a game that asked its players to live their lives like oil prices were sky-high, as if they were living at the beginning of a global oil crisis.

Designers for these types of games theorize that they help people prepare for future situations, the way that playing Dungeons and Dragons helped prepare me for leaving home and going off to college (yes, it did.) Some game designers, like Jane McGonigal, contend that banding together to solve games like this will enable internet users around the world, a collective intelligence, to begin solving real-life problems, not just fake game oil crises, but perhaps real ones, if they ever happen. I think I’m going to like teaching this type of art. Maybe it actually can help save the world.

We’ve come a long way from punk rock. Maybe, like The Ex-Toddler, we are past it too. Maybe we’re entering a new age of understanding. Mental health. Simplicity. Spaciousness. Play!

Ask Politely #24

2008-07-11T22:00:00Z

You can't always get what you want from mainstream media and in this day and age, anyone can take five minutes and start a blog. But — how structured should it be? How casual the language? Should the writer adhere to the AP Stylebook? What are the benefits or consequences of blogging?

The blogosphere's options are endless and there is enough opinion and information to keep you surfing the internet all day long. Depending on the type of blog, it's the freshest form of journalism, or even the most public form of self-expression. Blog topics are bountiful and encourage interaction — they can reach audiences further and wider than traditional news outlets — and have spawned what has become known as the "digital smokebreak."

In Champaign-Urbana we have a great variety of blogs: Little Blog on the Prairie, Champaign Taste and Illini Pundit to name a few. Each has developed it's own voice, style of writing, genre and niche market of followers. After all, you're here now — and while we're an online magazine — we like to think of ourselves as neighbors, at the least.

So, you tell us — what blog around these parts has what you like to read — and why?

Single People Suck

2008-07-09T14:00:00Z

In case you haven’t heard, single people suck. That is the message that is being promoted on billboards these days. I recently saw one on First Street over by Basmati which said, “Married people earn more money. Marriage Works.”

The Marriage Works campaign was started by an organization called Campaign for Our Children which works to reduce teenage pregnancies. This campaign was picked up locally by the social services agency Solid Ground.

In addition to the afore-mentioned billboard, there are other segments of the campaign that say things like, “Kids of married parents do better in school” and “Married people are happier.”

As a newly-single person, I have to say, this billboard really offends me.

]]> Yes, it is true that married people have some economic advantages over single people. That is one reason why we should be fighting for same-sex marriage rights for the gay and lesbian community. But perhaps an even better solution would be to make sure everyone has economic advantages regardless of whether they’re married or not.

As far as I’m concerned, the promotion of the married lifestyle as the answer to society’s problems ought to be dumped onto the garbage heap of failed ideologies along with racism and its ugly cousins. And I’m not saying that because I’m divorced and disillusioned with marriage. I believe marriage can be a wonderful, beautiful thing.

But I don’t think we should give married people preferential treatment over single people. That’s discrimination. I mean, imagine if you saw a billboard that read, “White people earn more money. Being white works.” Could there be anything more offensive?

We should be reacting to this “marriage works” campaign with the same disgust as we would with any type of racism, sexism, anti-semitism, homophobia or whatever other kinds of isms and phobias there might be.

I haven’t checked with Smile Politely’s director of marketing (we don’t have one) to see what the demographics of our readership is, but I suspect there are quite a few single people here. So, I’d like to hear from you unwed folks. Do these “Marriage Works” billboards offend you? And have you experienced other types of discrimination and prejudice because you are not married?

C’mon, marriage works? Last time I looked at the divorce rate, it said marriage works only about half the time.

The Washington Street Parade

2008-07-08T14:00:00Z

Every parade should be like the Washington Street Parade.

It should be led by a single fire truck, followed by a homemade sign.

The band should be filled with neighbors who value community and know only one song: “When the Saints Go Marching In.”

]]>

It should consist primarily of cute neighborhood kids riding their newly decorated wagons, tricycles, and bikes.

There should be no politicians or capitalists trying to weasel votes or money from the bystanders. There can be a few news people, but they must be roundly ignored by everyone.
There should be someone juggling at all times.
It should last five minutes, tops. Then it should turn around for a messy encore that disperses halfway through.
Let the super-patriots wave their flags, brandish their weapons, explode their fireworks, and boo those who are foolish enough to demonstrate their right to free speech. I want a parade to reflect what democracy should be — far more participation than observation; far more people in the parade than watching on the sideline.

Lastly, there should always be a storm trooper walking with his family.

4th of July Observance

2008-07-04T12:00:00Z

Ask Politely #23

2008-07-03T22:00:00Z

We all know about Texas and Memphis. Carolina and Kansas City are staples. But, Illinois BBQ?

Sounds flippy to us too. But wouldn't you know it, Bon Appetit recently named the 17th St. Bar and Grill in Murphysboro, Ill the best ribs in the US of A. And while that's not Champaign, it's getting awfully close.

Last weekend saw the premier of what is bound to be one Urbana's best annual traditions with the first annual Blues, Brews and BBQ in the parking lot of the Lincoln Square Village. The turnout, especially given its infancy was more than affirming of the fact that we, too, have a burgeoning BBQ scene that is just about ready to bust from the belt.

So, let's have it. You know the suspects with the smoke and sauce — as well as, if not better, than we do. So, who's got it in ol' C-U in the world of BBQ?

Happy 4th to all.

Wasting Time on Craigslist

2008-07-02T20:00:00Z

I’ve been scouring Craigslist for a place in Washington, D.C., where I’ll be moving in a couple of weeks. The nation’s capital is an expensive place to live, and apartments go quickly, so I find myself emailing hordes of strangers each day in hopes that one of them will have a roof that suits my needs, costs the right amount and becomes available within my timeframe. This process has led to countless hours online, a bout with carpal tunnel syndrome and some very suspect responses from property owners.

]]> Take, for instance, this response from a “person” named “Robson Willem,” who advertised a “two bedroom flat for rent in Washington, D.C.” — fully furnished and coming in at an astonishingly low $1,200 a month (all typos courtesy of Robson Willem):

Hello ,
Thanks for your mail and interest in my flat The house was made vacant because I moved to west africa with my family to take up appointment with 101.5 radio to work as Live Studio/Sound engineer. However , the main reason for leasing it is basically to get it occupied and not the money. I am not sure when the viewing can be arranged but I will try as much as possible to have it done as I would have to take the day off from work. I am kind and honest person and very neat , so if you are going to rent the apartments I need you to promise me you are going to take good care of the house like your own , every where will be clean up. Pet is allowed. And also I spent a lot on my property.

Wow! What a deal! The place, Willem continued, was chock full of amenities and was located in a delightful little street close to the District’s über-chic Dupont Circle. He requested all sorts of information — marital status, pets, occupation, religion and on and on — and then ended with:

As soon as I have this information , will have it save on my file and make arrangements to come show you the house , but I need to be sure you are serious about the renting since am very busy person with my work. Incase if am busy and I can not come show you the house I will send you all the papers and keys of the house to your address and you go check the house your self.

Again: Wow! This guy was so committed to finding the right renter that he’d fly all the way from West Africa to show me his digs. And on the off chance that such a journey would prove inconvenient, he’d just send me the keys and we’d take it from there.

Sign me up! Where should I send my deposit? And make it out to whom?

***

Of course, my relationship with Mr. Willem was short lived. But he seems to exist among a clan of Craigslist posters that I have continued to run into. For instance, Allen Francis, who was leasing a one-bedroom apartment in an up-and-coming neighborhood for an unheard of $680 a month, had also recently been dispatched to West Africa and was on the lookout for an honest tenant and was willing to put “everything in the hand of God” as he shopped his place around online. Then there was the civil engineer who was suddenly whisked off to the U.K., a woman who told me: “You can move in the apt in the same day when you receive the keys. The only problem is that I’m the only person who has the keys but I hope that we will find a solution.” (Like: I send you money in advance?) Those same sentences were given to me verbatim a week earlier from another civil engineer who, ironically enough, had also been called across the ocean to exercise her expertise in London.

***

OK, so what’s the news here? After all, we’re a culture at least a decade deep in our experience with spam and online deceit; we’ve all heard from African bankers willing to line our pockets with dough, and we’ve all learned that our eBay accounts (Do I even have an eBay account?) have elapsed but can be easily reactivated by simply sending along a password, a social security number and some other few bits of personal information. We’ve become inured to this kind of scheming.

And yet, there’s something particularly insulting about the Craigslist scammers. Perhaps it’s because each time I read an interesting ad I spend five minutes tracking the property down on google.maps and another five minutes trying to learn about the neighborhood and another five minutes writing a personalized and professional email — and by the time this is finished I’ve devoted a healthy number of minutes to an enterprise that, in the end, will prove nothing more than a waste of time.

And time, as the valuable cliché goes, is a precious commodity. In this age of swift getting and spending — an age that, of late, is colored by a slumping economy — time has even greater value. Why? In part because I take for granted that my wallet’s going to suffer some aches and pains in the coming days; if I adjust properly — and avoid incredibly obvious online schemes — I should be able to weather the storm. Money matters, sure, but it's impersonal and external; really, it's the ever-changing measuring stick that defines me as a member of my economic system. But time — what I do with my time — seems more valuable than that. It’s more personal. It's mine. It's what allows me, far more than my checking account, the freedom to make my marks (however large or small) on the world. And right now, as (like so many other people) I juggle work and relationships and life changes and cooking food and feeding the cat and balancing the checkbook and dusting the coffee table and going for a run and snagging the dry cleaning and reading a book, I find increasingly rare chunks of time for projects of passion, personal ambitions, spiritual crusades, inventions, art, public service, the written word or, simply, ideas. I have less time to “do.”

Ours is a speedy era, measured in seconds instead of days. And when I waste a good 30 minutes (1,800 seconds) on Craigslist because some spammer wants to fish for the next sucker, I’m reminded that if I had the choice between a dollar and an hour, I’d take the hour every time. Until I sign a lease, though, both my dollars and my hours are in jeopardy, as the Robson Willems of the world crouch in Craigslist, just waiting for me to get in touch.

Learning to Be Human(e)

2008-07-02T15:00:00Z

I think it’s kind of strange that we human beings don’t really know how to be human beings. We have to be taught.

I was reminded of this when I attended a “Children First” class last Monday evening at the Family Service of Champaign County. This is a class that is now required by the State of Illinois for all parents who are going through a divorce. It teaches the parents things such as what not to say in front of your children about your spouse, how to handle visitations, communicating with your ex-spouse, etc. It is a class that teaches common decency and how to treat other people — in this case your children and ex-spouse — with dignity and respect. In other words, it is a class on how to be humane (or human).

]]> It would be nice if there were classes like this for other situations too. I can think of a few past employers who could have used some instruction on being humane. Or even just a few lessons in simple professionalism would have been nice. I have heard employers bad-mouth and talk about employees in front of other employees, post condescending posters and lists of rules on the walls, and let their personal, petty gripes and grievances affect the way they treat their employees in the workplace. When will the state require employers to take a class on being human?

Or what about all the folks we meet in our day-to-day activities: the person who takes our order at the fast-food restaurant, the individual who changes the oil in our car, the one who rings up our groceries, the mail carrier, the telemarketer, and on and on. At one point or another, we all encounter someone who could use some lessons in being human. And many other times, it is we who need the lessons.

Why is it so difficult for us to be human? To treat one another with kindness, dignity, respect? To give one another the benefit of the doubt? To have compassion for those in need and not take out our anger and frustrations on those we are supposed to love?

Other animals do not need lessons on how to be. Birds learn to be birds without going to class. They fly, they eat, they build nests. They know how to be what they are supposed to be. And dogs know how to be dogs — unless they meet some silly human that decides the dog should wear a sweater and learn how to shake. But even then, the dog doesn’t forget its essential dog-ness.

But we humans are different. We need classes on how to be what we should be. We are the most pitiful of animals on this planet.

But I haven’t given up hope. When I remember people like Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. — individuals who acted humanely even to those who probably did not deserve it — it reminds me that, even though we are not born human, we can learn how to be so.

We just need a lot more teachers and a lot more classes.

Simplifying Life: One Phone at a Time

2008-07-01T16:30:21Z

Our home phone was connected today. This is after two and a half years of being a cell-phone-only household. This in and of itself is likely unremarkable, but in conjunction with signing up for the landline phone, we canceled our cellular service.

This is a move that has been seen as radical — almost to the point of sacrilege — by many people we know. The very thought of being without a cellular phone has become a nightmare scenario for many. Why on Earth would we choose a cell-free life?

We decided that cellular phones are not necessary for our lifestyle.

]]> This realization came when I sat down and evaluated our lives for ways to live more simply. Finding ways to simplify was not as easy as I thought it would be. We live in a two-bedroom condo. I commute to work by bicycle. We use homemade cleaners, and we are a vegetarian family. So I focused my attention on the two pink elephants in the room: our cable TV, and our cell phones.

Our Internet connection is through our cable company, therefore our cable TV doesn’t cost much more than just the Internet connection alone. Considering that my wife is a student, and I manage three different Web sites, not having high-speed is probably not a good option for us. The cable TV, while we don’t get much use out of it, gets enough use to justify the cost.

The cell phones were a different story. Before our son was born, we had no problem staying under our minutes on the lowest rate plan offered by our company. We were very satisfied with the service and saw no reason to change. However, after he came along our phone usage changed.
To start with, our usage increased as calls for advice to sisters and parents went up, but also as a natural correlation with the fact that one of us was always home. That leads to the second usage change: nearly all of calls were made from home.

To be fair, we are not completely without cellular service. We did pick up a pre-paid phone to take with us when we’re out of town or when we have left our baby with a sitter. This phone is for very limited-use, however.

I realize that cell phones are so fully integrated into most peoples’ lives that giving them up is not likely to occur, especially in this day and age of iPhones and their kin. Some people legitimately need this level of connectivity for their jobs — others simply prefer to be reachable.

As our modern lives become more hectic, the impact on our health (through stress) and on our environment becomes worse. Simplifying our lives can include easy steps towards more sustainable lifestyles.
How can you simplify your life? Maybe start with locally grown food from Urbana’s Market at the Square. Visit the Champaign or Urbana Public Library the next time you’re in the mood for a new book or magazine instead of buying one. The next time you feel the urge to walk around the mall, visit a park here, here or here instead.

In general, consume less and live more. Your health, your wallet, and your planet will thank you.