Category > The Campus Wit
Greetings, Loyal Reader. I must extend my humble apologies to you for failing to complete a column for last Thursday. I know that you waited patiently at first, calmly refreshing the page every few minutes. Your calmness, however, soon abated, and you began viciously pounding your computer, screaming as loud as your voice could scream, “Curses on you and your kin, Vile Wit!” Eventually, you began … What’s that Gentle Reader? You did not even notice that I did not …
| Good day, Worthy Reader. Despite my best efforts to deceive myself into thinking otherwise, I do actually attend the University of Illinois, and one of the aspects of the university that has most interested me is the Greek system. I find it quite stimulating to observe fraternity and sorority members. It is not because they are really that different from other university students; it is because of their t-shirts.
Pleasant returns, Worried Reader. As I mentioned last week, the economic state of the world is in shambles. Many people are frightened for the future of their cash, capital, and quarters. Some people are even too scared to say the word “recession.” Well, I have a word for you that no one wants to even think about — Depression. No, not the other inhabitant of Isolation Manor. I am talking about an economic depression. No one wants to even contemplate …
Good day, prodigal reader. Times are tough. Money is sparse, and the economy has taken more blows than Parson Yorick. I feel the strain myself. I am a jobless scholar with limited funds. I have tried to find employment, but apparently most companies are not looking to hire hirsute misanthropes. In addition, the only remuneration I receive from Smile Politely for writing this column is weekly swift kicks to the groin, and the interest rate for swift groinal kicks is …
After a three week journey up my own bunghole, I have returned, O Great Gouty Reader, a mite dirtier and not a bit wiser. When I finally arrived at Isolation Manor after many hours of travel, my immediate thoughts turned to the procurement of sustenance. However, my cupboard was barren, and my manservant, Trim, had neither the energy nor the wherewithal to fetch me even a simple crust of bread. Therefore, I resolved to seek victuals from an emporium of …
We now resume with the final installment of The Campus Wit’s tale of Parson Yorick and his travels through the UIUC campus town. …. and his eloquence was unsurpassed. I will miss the venerable Parson and truly deplore his passing. However, I know that his piousness and faith will land him an all-expenses paid trip to heaven. I mean, come on. The man was a GODDAMN SAINT! He was s-s-s-s (queue breakdown into tears). Well, I am quite sorry to …
Oh My! I did not see you there Noble Reader. Pardon me. Let me see. I am truly quite apologetic for my lack of preparation. I was just preparing my tax return (best to get those kind of things done early. If you know what I mean… if you catch my drift…) and did not expect you so soon. I suspect you are hungering for the continuance of my recollections of Parson Yorick’s exploits in Champaign and Urbana. Well, famished …
Champaign-Urbana is a place of many exciting events and affairs. Most of these notable happenings are reported on by the local fourth estate. However, to my great surprise, one of the most sensational and important occurrences of recent years has passed by with nary a news brief or report. I am talking, of course, about the visit of Parson Yorick to Champaign-Urbana last week. The esteemed Parson chose Champaign-Urbana as the locale most suitable for his reintroduction to human society …
Make haste, Valiant Readers! Ready your armour and swords. Join me in my battle against the greatest foe currently facing mankind. A foe capable of making chartered accounts shit their pants right in front of their mother-in-laws. A foe with the power to make mere toddlers utter the foulest of curses and imprecations. A foe that with no real effort can turn loving, caring aunties into rabid, flesh-eating harridans. Indeed, Intrepid Readers, this foe must not be allowed to continue …
Happy Reunion, Devoted Readers. Despite challenges to my honor and name, I have returned and persist as your devoted Campus Wit. After a summer filled with tarry and talk, another school year looms. Books are being bought, supplies are being sought, brains are turned on to thoughts of delight, debauchery and depression. In short order, students will return to the cracked and crusty confines of Champaign-Urbana. First stop for many of these students? Quad Day. Ah glorious Quad Day! Even …
Most Recent Opinion Comments
Change is the only constant thing in this world. Change is just an indication that a particular place is improving or not. It is a good thing that there is a room for a change but it must be a change for the better. It is just…
Now that Olympian is probably a given, they’re going to have to rename the section between Willow and 45. Any suggestions? Now lets get onto Urbana’s next road to nowhere. Airport Rd., They want to extend it from Bartlow west to Lincoln thru 3 farm fields. One…
I had a great time reading around your post as I read it extensively. Gold
I’ve always suspected that there’s a direct correlation between projected land use for the Rt 150 corridor [Industrial / Commercial] and the drive to expand 74. See the CCRPC Future Land Use Map for details, and then take a look at who owns land there, and you…
The University does not subsidize the Airbus. For decades bus transportation to the airport was provided expressly for Institute of Aviation students. This service was paid for by the Institute of Aviation, not campus as a whole. Some of you may even remember the old orange or…
A book just published gives a very useful different perspective on the “growth for growth’s sake” model and its ecological unsustainability. It is “Prosperity Without Growth: Economics for a Finite Planet” by Tim Jackson. The first chapter of the book can be downloaded via http://earthscan.co.uk/pwg . This…
I agree with most of the comments on the Orange “Krush.“ They are mostly immature, ignorant, college students who can’t wait for the next frat party so they can get wasted on Keystone light
“Since there is no congestion on 74, one wonders what he is talking about.“ - Duh. Perhaps the congestion is wishful thinking? And IL DOT is planning to spend $71 million taxpayer dollars widening I-74 between Champaign and Mahomet. I contacted IL DOT on the I-74 stuff. …
Great articles, btw.
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Most Recent Comments
What is an antibiotic-free egg? And how can you tell?
Great article. I’ve always found that by making it in the blender, I can be my typical impatient self and pour tons of oil in at once. It’s very forgiving that way, though not fool proof.
I will be at Danu this evening. And seeing as tomorrow - St. Pat’s - is my birthday, I will be celebrating with tons of green and fun!
Big Blue will actually be on 6-9, despite what is posted elsewhere. Then, hightail it over to Bentley’s!
Ahh - good point - I will plug them in the appropriate sections.
Yeeee! This sounds so fun! Any word on covers for any/all of these? Maybe SP could spring for punch cards and some discounts if we make it to all, eh?
Ok, just tell me when I can exhale - Just curious, since all the globalists, carbon traders, and pretty much anyone with copious amounts of wealth have weighed in on population reduction in recent years, i was wondering what yer magic number was. Some of the more…
ESPN360!!!!! For those that don’t know, you can watch the ESPNs’ games on your puter.
...and given the lack of smiley emoticons i chose to employ, that reads far more sarcastically than i ever intended (my apologies). i actually find this to be a great article and an interesting discussion, seriously : )
Once it leaves the basement, it is then called what? hmmm…....could it be mainstream? accessible? appealing on a mass-level? POP??? Quickly it will become a fad, over-saturate the media, and piss people off. Then everyone can write articles based on how that shit sucks, too. chickens are…
So John is seeing all comments as being authored by John. I am seeing all comments as authored by me. The first comment was Mysterious McDade who evidently acquired an Optimism Hat and is now seeing how it fits.
No, everyone is me! Muahahaha! I so didn’t make that first comment so I thought maybe someone was trying to get my goat, adding me to the staff. I hope jumping to that conclusion is forgivable. Yeah, uh, I guess I should say that I swear I…
I have reached Nirvana, I guess. Everyone is me.
Something weird is happening.
WTF guys? Does impersonating a user in the comments section run afoul of your commenting policy?
In general, I think music is much more interesting now than in 1995. I definitely am very glad contemporary music has expanded beyond the four-piece rock lineup that dominated much of the 90’s. The point of the above isn’t so much about a sound or an instrument…
2010 is not 1995. I’m not sure why anyone would expect a music scene to remain stationary as the world of popular music moves around it. Also, today, making popular music with mainstream appeal and being innovative and cutting-edge are usually exact opposites.
I didn’t know that the LED was created here. That’s awesome.
It’s a total shame this is only during working hours! It sounds great, but I’m one of those who can’t slip away very readily during the 9-to-5. Next time, a request: weekend events, please?
Nuts. Sorry I saw this, um, 15 minutes before CULitFest (my term!) begins. However, one deficit - no beer. SP.com 1, UIUC 0. In all seriousness, hope it goes well!
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Ok, just tell me when I can exhale - Just curious, since all the globalists, carbon traders, and pretty much anyone with copious amounts of wealth have weighed in on population reduction in recent years, i was wondering what yer magic number was. Some of the more…