Things you can steal in C-U for a misdemeanor charge
Champaign State's Attorney Julia Reitz recently decided not to charge Mark Nepermann with a felony for his theft of Edgar Heap of Birds' "Native Hosts" art display. He was instead charged with a misdemeanor, because the art display consisted of signs that were manufactured for less than $300, the cut-off point in Illinois for felony theft.
Smile Politely believes this to be a great opportunity for thieves all over Champaign-Urbana. If objects are to be appraised based on the value of their constituted parts, rather than, say, their actual value, we wonder what other objects around town might be available at the risk of a mere misdemeanor charge.
Parking meters Think of all the trouble (and communication failures) that Cool Hand Luke could have avoided if the Florida penal code would have been as forgiving as Ms. Reitz. There can't be more that $10-15 worth of steel in those suckers, right?
Corn Liquor Wanna knock over the local Piccadilly and not do hard time? Stay away from the cash, and just grab the Everclear. Every bushel of corn, trading at about $3.80 on the CBOT today, will produce 2.77 gallons of ethanol, so every fifth of Everclear (retailing at $15.99 on the internets) is really only worth 27 cents. So make sure to back up your pickup truck: That's more than 1,100 bottles before you stand to get in any real trouble.
ATM Machines. The cost of metal and plastic in the machine, as well as the cost of the paper and cloth itself in currency surely does not exceed $300 when melted down and sold for raw materials. The downside, for anyone who has seen Barbershop, is how to access these raw materials without hurting yourself.
Human Bodies. The raw materials in a human body are valued at a measly $4.50. This means enterprising thieves can steal up to 66 people without incurring a felony charge in Champaign County. Be careful not to steal that 67th one though, or Julia Rietz will be all over your ass.
Paper files at State's Attorney's office 5,000 sheets of paper for $36. That means you could nab at least 40,000 pieces of documentation from Julia Rietz's office before having to serve real time!
On the other hand, be careful if what you've stolen has been bought in the last week, in which case it would be harder to argue it is worth less than what it was bought for. Here's a partial list of some items that are more valuable in Champaign-Urbana than Native American art, and could land you in bigger trouble than Mark Nepermann if you were to relieve someone of their possession:
- '94 Ford Escot ($350)
- Used HP Laptop ($400)
- Used Craftsman lawn mower ($450)
- Tickets to Cubs-Brewers game ($350)
Despite these risks, it has never been a better time to be a thief in Champaign-Urbana. Mz. Reitz is up for election in just three and a half short years though, so enjoy while the gettin' is good.
7 comments
picasso lover
I’m gonna pick me up a picasso. What’s really old paint and canvas worth these days?
Go ahead picasso lover. And while you’re at it, pick something from the walls at KAM. You can always swap in something from the next Starving Artists sale in Decatur. It’s all the same to Rietz. Speaking of similarities, is there a difference between this and her predecessor’s treatment of the thieving U of I basketball players that she campaigned on? Oh, yeah, they took something with an insurance value of only $3,000, not $100,000 - $120,000.
It’s good to see the youth of the left finally taking crime seriously.
Hey guys, be careful with this. I could be wrong, but I think this particular discount rate on theft only applies to white suburban males.
Durango Mendoza
Curtiss has if figured out. Mr. “Big D” McColley continues in his one note groove. Big Bernie M sure took crime seriously for many years. Now for his investors there is nothing Left. Or right.
DEX
This article doesn’t make any sense. You clearly state in the first paragraph “[T]he art display consisted of signs that were manufactured for less than $300”. And then you go on to value items not by their manufactured cost, but by that of their individual parts and scrap value. Garunteed, however, according to their individual parts, the signs are worth well under the $5 mark. When a bank purchases an ATM, they most certainly pay more than $300. And when a student wants to get really drunk, they give the cashier 60 times the $0.27 cents you claim that the corn liquor is worth and instead give her the RETAIL VALUE of $15.99. Ms. Reitz was given an invoice stating that the university paid $88.65 (AKA the retail value). There are plenty of freshmen who are more than willing to pay more than the $15.99 on the price tag of the corn liquor. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s worth more. It’s just more valuable to certain people. If things were sold according to the assessed value of the current owner, I’d be able to sell my teddy bear from preschool for upwards of $10,000. However, my parents most likely paid $2 for him on sale at Target. Unfortunately for some, fortunately for others, this is not the case. If the university had paid $10,000 for the signs that is how much they would be worth (in a legal standpoint). Value is easily assessed based on the most recent purchase, especially when it comes with a receipt.
Don’t even think about lifting any dental drills, either. That’s a Class 2 felony, pal. I don’t even think writing a contrite letter to the N-G and saying you were drunk will help then.
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I’m in the middle (or the beginning or end, depending on how you look at it) of re-reading Slaughterhouse Five. What a great companion column.