Smile Politely: Opinion

Welcome to the New Smile Politely

Smile Politely Editors — 2009-01-12T01:00:21+00:00

Welcome back. And thanks for being patient while we packed up for the holidays to take a little breather and redesign our home on the web.

Scroll down. Click around. Some things are different. Others are the same, but look a little sharper.

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Coulter admits it: he likes Dancing with the Stars

Mike Coulter — 2012-05-24T15:00:16+00:00

I got of box of those Klondike Choco Tacos the other day. I really enjoy regular Klondike bars and the advertisements for these ridiculous desserts sucked me in. It was okay, but it’s disconcerting to eat something that looks like a taco but tastes like something else. It suddenly strikes me that this entire introduction seems like it's sort of dirty, even though it really isn’t meant to be. Anyways, I plan to use a lot of ellipsis this week … probably incorrectly. Fun … but not really. Let’s get it on.

I’M PACKING … AND CAN ALSO OPEN PACKING MATERIALS

There was a time I always carried a pocketknife. This time was when I was five until I was about seven. I mostly carried one because my dad carried one. He would use his to clean rabbits and birds he had killed while hunting. I would use mine to fight off non-existent monsters while I played in the barn. I stopped carrying the knife a long time ago, but I still kept it around.

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Cher’s autograph

P. Gregory Springer — 2012-05-23T13:00:35+00:00

Tao Te Ching, verse 21

Since before time and space were,
the Tao is.

The 65th Cannes International Film Festival opened this week. I can smell it: sand and suntan oil, the perfume of supermodels lingering in elevators, the oxygen rush in the flower-bedecked Palais, endless free espresso shots at the Brazilian film market, the creamed spinach at the townie restaurant down the side street, wild strawberries and thyme on the Provencal hillside, the ooze of Camembert, the sweaty crush of paparazzi...

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Summertime means big men and little pools

Mike Coulter — 2012-05-17T13:00:47+00:00

I like this sort of weather. Strangely, I have been saying this for almost an entire year so far. Is it possible that we now live in a place where it’s nice all the damned time? Probably not. I’m the kind of person who is always waiting for the other shoe to fall and the anticipation is killing me. I’m betting on some big assed tornadoes over the summer and then there’s always a long shot of an earthquake or possibly a plague. Even if none of these things happen, it’s still a little hard for me to enjoy the entrée when I believe dessert could possibly be a tartlet full of poop. I’ll only be able to relax about it once I give up all hope, which should happen any second now. Either way, let’s get it on.

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It’s a doggie dog world

Mike Coulter — 2012-05-10T18:00:17+00:00

My only goal last weekend was to go see that new Avengers movie. As you can probably guess, it never came to pass. I initially planned to see the first show on Saturday morning, but apparently I like staying out and drinking far more than I like getting up to go see a movie. As it now stands, I’ll pretend I’m going to see it for another week or so and then eventually get excited when it’s coming out on video or on-demand.

By my rough estimation, I will eventually see the damned thing about a year and a half from now. It will be on a Saturday morning and I will begrudgingly decide to watch it so I don’t have to mow the yard or go to the grocery store. This is why I should never really be excited about anything.

Anyways, I got a lot of nice responses from people about my wedding column, so I figure it’s only appropriate that I make this one sort of stupid and almost impossible to like. I really feel like I can totally do it. Let’s get it on.

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Dogfight

P. Gregory Springer — 2012-05-09T17:00:57+00:00

In my obdurate attempt to postpone or forgo entirely the root canal my dentist recommended, I began brushing with a three percent dilution of hydrogen peroxide, which some Internet self-professed expert had insisted would eliminate the need for oral surgery. Also, I purchased a battery-operated Water-Pic flosser, which works on the same principle as a SuperSoaker water gun, only for your mouth.

It occurred to me that I might use this instrument to threaten the barking German Shepherd that snaps at my open car window every morning at 4 a.m., when I deliver the daily paper to a farmhouse just outside Broadlands. I had complained to the owners, but the dog persisted. I doubted it would actually bite me, but the proximity and the ferocity of the barking interrupts the night quiet, the audiobook, or any meditative thought I might be having. It startles me. I involuntarily experience some primal fear reaction and every day it takes a certain amount of will and faith to stick my arm outside the window to within inches of those snapping teeth.

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“Opposite” marriage includes fun, love, and drinking in the day

Mike Coulter — 2012-05-03T13:00:38+00:00

So there were a lot of things going on last week, Artists Against AIDS, Ebertfest, and that freaking marathon. Of course, I participated in none of the ones you’re supposed to, but I’m just fine with that. Still, it was swell to see my friend Paula who came in from Michigan for the Artist Against Aids. She promised to start reading my column if I promised to stop being so much of a dick. This, my friends, is what you call an impasse. Anyway, let’s get started on my little segmented look at the wedding, which I attended this past weekend.

THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

The fellows getting married were my friends Bob and Greg. They’ve only known each other about fourteen years, so they were obviously jumping into the whole “gay” thing just like they were jumping into the whole “marriage” thing. They are two genuinely great guys. Bob is a caterer and Greg manages a restaurant. Before I met them, because of the Village People, I assumed all gays had to be policemen, or sailors or, strangely, Native Americans.

I should also point out that neither one of them is particularly flamboyant, which, you know, makes me wonder just how committed they are to the whole idea of the gayness. I truly don’t understand why they have to make it all so complicated by being relatively normal.

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A Modest-ish Proposal

Jason Brown — 2012-05-01T16:50:44+00:00

The University of Illinois has a new President.

Again.

And both the University of Illinois and the State of Illinois are in dire financial straits.

Still.

Obviously, the solution to some of the problems being faced is to offer the outgoing University President a high-paying, tenured faculty position at the same University. (Sadly, that is not a joke. In fact, it’s kind of a bad habit around these parts.)

And so, it is business as usual in academia, with a hint of Illinois’ familiar brand of backroom dealing tossed in for kicks.

Seeing as we’re knee-deep in the twenty-first century, though, it’s got to be time for something different. It’s time for an approach that reflects the particulars of our present reality — one of protests, lo-fat lattes, financial strife, the 99%, free wi-fi, and unemployment.

That is where this proposal begins.

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Priest suing N-G is part of Catholic splinter group

Wendy Edwards — 2012-04-26T16:30:52+00:00

Michael McMahon filed suit in Vermilion County earlier this month against the News-Gazette, which is also the publisher of the Paxton Record. This case illustrates the cliche about truth being stranger than fiction.

Let's start with the facts. On April 6, 2011 the Paxton Record published a letter to the editor purporting to be from a "Fr Michael McMahon, President of GLABA of Vermilion County." The letter announced the establishment of the Gay Lesbian and Bisexual Association of Vermilion County and invited members of the public to join. Some of the wording in the letter was odd; for example, it referred to an "alternate love/sex orientation." I've known a number of people who are gay, lesbian, or bisexual and have never heard any of them use an awkward phrase like that. McMahon, currently the headmaster of Notre Dame de la Salette Boys Academy in Georgetown, denied being the author of the letter, and the Paxton Record published an apology and a retraction. This apparently wasn't enough for McMahon, and he filed a lawsuit claiming that the paper was "negligent" and "reckless" in publishing the letter.

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Coulter gets lucky

Mike Coulter — 2012-04-26T12:00:36+00:00

Well, this is going to be a fun weekend. On Sunday I get to go to my first guy on guy wedding. I don’t know what to expect but I truly hope I don’t meet a cute boy or anything because it would probably piss my wife off to no end. I plan to spend the next 48 hours trying to come up with fun things to say during their first kiss as a married, or civil-unioned, couple.

I was thinking about, “Oh no he didn’t!” but that seems pretty easy. It would probably be funny to say, “Whoa, hold on, that’s two dudes up there. What the…” Still, I’ll probably just try not to cry, you know, so I don’t look like a total fairy or anything. Either way, let’s get it on.

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