I’m afraid I haven’t been much of a church hopper the past couple of months. I confess it’s because I’ve been attending the same church somewhat regularly. Which one you ask? Well, I will keep that a secret for now.

But I did play hooky from my regular church last Sunday to attend McKinley Presbyterian Church which is located at 809 South Fifth Street in Champaign.

McKinley is typical of campus churches with its progressive theology, which I deeply appreciate, and its outreach to students. In fact, college students and professors must be the norm for McKinley’s congregants. I was asked by a friendly gentleman who sat in the pew behind me, “Are you a student?” to which I replied, “No, I’m a little too old to be a student.” He then asked, “Oh, you’re a professor?” I answered, “No, I’m not a professor.” He then asked, a little confused, “Then what do you do?”

We Christians have a lot of kooky ideas about the Bible. It is used in all sorts of strange ways and often gets transformed into whatever anybody wants it to be.

In other words, the Bible suffers from the same malady that afflicts Jesus as different people have projected their individual biases, desires and agendas, turning both Jesus and the Bible into something they never were intended to be.

But even if we took away all of the crazy notions about what the Bible is, we are still left not with a single, unified book, but a collection of books written at different times by different people who also had their own peculiar biases, desires and agendas.

Our local gas stations are a hub for our community’s addiction activity. It is there that a vast number of us feed our cravings for nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, gambling and, of course, our nation’s biggest addiction: gasoline. But is this a good idea having so many addicts in one place? I think not. It’s only a matter of time before one of us snaps.

When I go to a gas station I’m usually already pretty irritated for the obvious reason of having to pay $4.00 a gallon for gas. But sometimes I go to gas stations and don’t even buy gas — yet I find myself irritated anyway. This is because the only other reasons I stop there are to satisfy my addictions to Mountain Dew and Camel cigarettes. So when I walk into a gas station it’s either because I’m itching for more caffeine, more nicotine, need more gasoline, or some combination of all three.

The people who identify themselves as conservative Christians are a mixed bunch. There are, on one end of the spectrum, the ultra-conservative fundamentalists and, on the other end, the more moderate conservative evangelicals. This wide range of conservative Christianity was illustrated for me last week in a couple of emails that I received.

The first email was from a local conservative Christian evangelical church leader praising Sarah Palin whom he had just seen delivering her acceptance speech for the Republican nomination for vice president. He noted how wonderful it was that the Republican party had nominated a woman for vice president and then drew a parallel with his church which he also thought was wonderful for having female leaders. Funny, I don’t remember him writing anything similar when Hillary Clinton was one of the final candidates for the democratic presidential nomination. And he must have “forgotten” that Geraldine Ferraro was nominated as the democratic candidate for Vice President in 1984. Apparently nominating women as leaders is progress only when Republicans and/or conservatives do it.

In Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith there is a scene at the end of the movie where Anakin and Obi-Wan are fighting each other. Anakin says, “If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy.” To which Obi-Wan replies, “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

When I consider many of the issues that consume the political and theological dialogs of the world, it seems that this ideological battle between Sith and Jedi is always present. On one side of the issues are the Siths who want to believe that the world is black and white, that there is only one answer — their answer — to every problem. On the other hand there are the Jedis who see the world more realistically, in shades of gray.

When I moved to Champaign back in 1994, I went to a U-Haul in order to reserve and rent a truck so that I could transport my belongings which, at that point in my life, consisted mainly of books, CDs, tobacco, alcohol and unpaid parking tickets. When the day came to move, I returned to the U-Haul to pick up the vehicle but was told that they did not have the truck that I had reserved. After spewing out a bucket or two of colorful words at the U-Haul manager and threatening to call the States Attorney and the Better Business Bureau (which I did), I somehow managed to find another place that rented trucks and got myself and my things moved to Champaign.

After living here in C-U for a while, I thought it would be nice to take my mother out to eat for Mother’s Day at one of our fine local eating establishments. I really like ribs, but my mother likes healthy things like salad and salmon, so being a thoughtful son, I called Famous Dave’s Barbecue and made a reservation. When we showed up that Sunday to claim our table, we were told we would have to wait an hour and a half. “But we had a reservation!” I protested. “Sorry, we overbooked,” was the answer.

We’re in trouble. Our country is falling behind in science and it’s time to take some immediate and drastic action before the U.S. becomes the global classroom equivalent of Home Economics.

Perhaps the problem is that we have been too narrow in our definition of what science actually is. For example, the creationists have been telling us for a long time that the well-thought-out and researched theories of evolution are no match for the mythologies of the Judeo-Christian traditions. Perhaps they are on to something. After all, they’ve written books and in so doing have helped us to see that books are no longer the domain of well-done, peer-reviewed, scholarly research. The creationists have also opened a Creation Museum thus showing us that museums are no longer a place where scholarly research can be disseminated to the common person.

I’ve been told that I have an “addictive personality” because if there is even a remote possibility of getting addicted to something, then I will do it. My latest addiction is Facebook. I have been able to reconnect with dozens of old friends from high school and college. But if the number of friends one has on Facebook is any indication of one’s level of addiction, then I am not the only person with this problem. Currently I have 90 Facebook friends, but when I look at other people’s profiles, I see folks with hundreds, even thousands of friends.

I believe having a sense of community is a powerful, spiritual force in our lives. The central act of Christian worship is (or should be) Communion which isn’t just about drinking wine and eating bread, but about doing those things with a community of believers to symbolize our unity, love and acceptance of one another.

There are only a handful of places in Champaign-Urbana that house the homeless. There’s the Times Center on East Washington Street, the Salvation Army’s Stepping Stone shelter on North Market, the Women’s Emergency Shelter on East Church, St. Jude’s Catholic Worker House on South Randolph, and during the colder months (mid-October through mid-April) there’s the Men’s Winter Emergency Shelter at McKinley Church and Foundation on South Fifth Street.

There are a couple other places that provide shelter for women who are victims of domestic abuse and runaway teenagers, but for the most part, the above facilities are the only places that house the homeless in our community.

This past week I met a lot of dogs because I just happened to be visiting various friends who all had a dog or two (or four in the case of one who was dog sitting).

One thing I have noticed about dogs is that they are among the most accepting and tolerant creatures on the planet. They don’t care if you’re black or white, gay or straight, Christian or Muslim, conservative or liberal. They just sniff various parts of your body (which you may or may not appreciate) and then somehow they say to themselves in their lovable dog brains, “I like the way you smell. You’re OK.”

I went to Sholem Aquatic Center yesterday to enjoy the water and the sun on my day off. Sholem must be the place to be this summer because usually when I go there it is crowded and I can never find an empty poolside chair or an inner tube for the lazy river.

But this day I was lucky and found an empty chair. I plopped down my towel and flip-flops and reclined for a few minutes to enjoy the sunshine.

The chair next to me had a couple of pairs of flip-flops on it. In case you are unfamiliar with the unwritten rules of the pool, when you see peoples’ belongings on a pool chair, it means that that chair is taken. By putting something on a chair you “save” it so no one else can sit there.

In case you haven’t heard, single people suck. That is the message that is being promoted on billboards these days. I recently saw one on First Street over by Basmati which said, “Married people earn more money. Marriage Works.”

The Marriage Works campaign was started by an organization called Campaign for Our Children which works to reduce teenage pregnancies. This campaign was picked up locally by the social services agency Solid Ground.

In addition to the afore-mentioned billboard, there are other segments of the campaign that say things like, “Kids of married parents do better in school” and “Married people are happier.”

As a newly-single person, I have to say, this billboard really offends me.

I think it’s kind of strange that we human beings don’t really know how to be human beings. We have to be taught.

I was reminded of this when I attended a “Children First” class last Monday evening at the Family Service of Champaign County. This is a class that is now required by the State of Illinois for all parents who are going through a divorce. It teaches the parents things such as what not to say in front of your children about your spouse, how to handle visitations, communicating with your ex-spouse, etc. It is a class that teaches common decency and how to treat other people — in this case your children and ex-spouse — with dignity and respect. In other words, it is a class on how to be humane (or human).

Once I went to a conference where I listened to a bunch of “successful” people explain what, exactly, were the secrets to their success. One of the speakers talked about finances and he said that there are only two ways to make money: 1) You work for your money (in other words you get a job); or 2) Your money works for you (in other words, you invest). Of course, he conveniently avoided the obvious question: Where do the people who invest their money get the money to invest in the first place? It seems to me that at some point or another you have to work for it (unless you’re lucky enough to inherit a fortune — or spill hot coffee on your crotch and sue McDonald’s for millions).

This Church Hopper is going to be a bit different than the others. In previous installments, I simply shared what I had experienced at the worship services of various local churches. And I guess that’s a fair thing to do because for so many churches, the worship service is really what they’re all about. When most of us think of “church,” we think of things like cathedrals, sanctuaries, pulpits, pews and organs. Or, if we’re more contemporary, we might think of auditoriums and praise bands.

But I wonder if this emphasis on worship is a good thing. The prophet Amos had some strong words to say about making worship services the focal point of our faith:

I hate, I despise your festivals, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies.... Take away from me the noise of your songs; I will not listen to the melody of your harps. But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an everflowing stream.

The concept of “up” is a strange thing to ponder. For the ancients, “up” was a positive place where the Gods dwelled either someplace in the sky (heaven) or perhaps up on a mountain (e.g. Mt. Olympus), while “down” was a negative place under the earth (hades) where our souls went after death.

This cosmology was prevalent even after such noted scientists as Copernicus and Galileo gave us a more accurate view of the universe. And today in the 21st century, after having ventured a little bit into outer space, we know that “up” is really a relative term. I mean, have you considered that when you are pointing up here in C-U, it is the opposite direction of someone who is pointing up on the other side of the world? Yet many of us Christians continue to speak in spatial metaphors when describing the spiritual realms of heaven and hell.

Saturday, June 14, is the grand opening of the new Legends Golf Course located at 4551 Nicklaus Dr. (off Staley Road between Windsor and Curtis) in Champaign.

I don’t know about you — maybe you’re one of those insane golfer types so you might be delirious and giddy that there is yet another golf course opening in C-U. But I am not. I’m mad as hell. I really hate golf. I loathe it. Of all sports, I despise golf more than any other. Why? Not only is golf a huge waste of time, but it is a gross waste of land.

To be honest, I’m really not that interested in watching sports. They all have pretty much the same narrative: a bunch of big, sweaty guys run around chasing a ball. Sure, the shape and size of the ball might change (it might even be a puck), the uniforms might be different styles and colors, and the action might take place on a diamond or a field or a court. But it’s always the same old story: Guys playing with their balls.

Sorry, just not that interesting. Maybe for some. Not for me.

Then again, for some strange reason — and I’ve never really known why — I’ve always identified myself as a Cubs fan. Ever since I was around seven years old, I have been a Cubs fan. Why? My parents aren’t Cubs fans. Nobody ever told me I have to be a Cubs fan. It’s not like being Jewish or Christian or Muslim where you’re just sort of born into this cultural/religious identity.

So why in the heck am I a Cubs fan?

I am intrigued by the concepts of saints and martyrs many of whom, when they were alive, had the alleged power to heal people. But what is even more interesting (or disgusting) is the concept of relics, which are body parts (fingers, teeth, bones, etc.) of the saints and martyrs and which also are believed by some to have healing powers.

Even in our modern culture, there are people who possess great magic. I don’t really know how the magic works, but good things will happen to you if you meet one of these magical people. And if you touch one of them, some of their magic will rub off on you. Some folks are even lucky enough to acquire certain talismans that the magic people owned; for example, a handkerchief with which Elvis mopped his sweaty brow, or Mick Jagger’s armpit hair.

This powerful magic can even be invoked simply by saying the person’s name.

I swear this really happened.

Monday evening I was at Pekara, the cozy little bistro on Neil St., because that’s where we Smile Politely editors have our weekly meeting. The meeting was canceled, but nobody bothered telling me. OK, they might have told me, but the truth is I delete 90% of the emails I get from the other Smile Politely editors without actually reading them, so I guess I’ll never know.

But I’m glad I showed up anyway because, first, Pekara has a fantastic tomato bisque and, second, I ran into someone I haven’t talked to in a while and ended up having a great chat.

Well, it was actually more like an interview.

And it was with God.

Last night I walked into the County Market on Glenn Park to pick up a few groceries. The County Market bigwigs have been remodeling this store for a while, expanding their space, adding a coffeehouse and other amenities.

One of the first things that caught my eye when I walked into the new store was a giant poster stating, “We Value Family” above a photo of a typical, white, middle-class family: a mother, a father and two children.

Of course, my liberal sensibilities were immediately offended. “Hmmph,” I grunted. “What does this mean?” County Market values family? But what kind of family? From the photo I assume the worst: County Market values only white, middle-class families with both a mother and father.

This past Sunday, April 27, my family and I attended St. Luke Christian Methodist Episcopal Church in Champaign. I had never attended a CME church before and so I really did not know what to expect. The only things I really knew for sure were that this church has, like me, a Methodist heritage and that it has, unlike me, a black heritage.

I have visited or attended many Methodist churches (e.g., Urbana First UMC, Champaign First UMC, Wesley UMC, New Horizon ) but they have all, unfortunately, lacked in the area of cultural diversity. I have also visited a few black churches (e.g., Love Corner, Salem Baptist, Canaan Missionary Baptist ), but none of these had Methodist roots.

So I was quite curious about St. Luke CME, for here is a church that has both a black and a Methodist heritage. How, then, would it come across? Would one of these heritages win out over the other? Or would this church somehow manage to marry Methodist and black culture into a cohesive whole?

I love the musical My Fair Lady (which was based on the play Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw). There is a scene in which Eliza Doolittle’s father gives a wonderful speech about poverty:

If I was one of the deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I could chuck it; but then why should I, acause the deserving poor might as well be millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They don’t know what happiness is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor, have nothing between me and the pauper’s uniform but this here blasted three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class.

Ah, the undeserving poor. Champaign-Urbana is rife with them. But we never see them out on the streets, begging for spare change. Instead, they are cozy in their middle-class homes with their middle-class families. Oh, but they do beg. Middle-class begging is just a little harder to spot.

Sometimes, when I visit a church for the first time, I feel like Dorothy when she says: “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” And other times when I visit a new church I feel like, well, Dorothy again when she says: “There’s no place like home.”

It was the latter experience for me this week when I visited Wesley United Methodist Church at the corner of Green and Goodwin streets in Urbana.

Being a long-time United Methodist myself, visiting Wesley was like slipping into a favorite pair of old sneakers. Of course, this makes my job here very difficult. How am I going to be objective about this church while I write about it through my clouded lenses of familiarity and fondness? Well, I will try, but forgive me if a little Methodist bias slips through.

My family and I went to Wesley UMC last Sunday, April 13, to attend their 9:30 a.m. traditional worship service (they also offer a contemporary service at 11:15). We had no trouble finding a parking spot in the church’s lot off of Goodwin.

OK, I admit it. I’m a church hopper. I have been hopping around from one church to another for a few weeks now with some kind of naïve belief that there might actually be a church somewhere in C-U that my whole family will like. One of the main obstacles has been the “L” word. I am a liberal while my wife is a conservative, so finding a church whose theology we both can embrace has been like searching for the Holy Grail. I wonder if James Carville and Mary Matalin have this problem?

“Are you even a Christian?”

This is one of the gentler responses I sometimes receive from conservative evangelicals who cannot comprehend that a fellow Christian would criticize certain aspects of our faith. I like this question very much because at least it gives me a chance to respond with an enthusiastic “Yes, I am!” Then there are the other responses I get such as, “You’re going to rot in hell.” These I don’t care for much. These responses make me want to ask, “Are you even a Christian?” But I don’t. I just Smile Politely.

I did a little soul searching this week and realized that I was turning into a curmudgeon. Yes, I have used a thick slab of this column space to whine and complain about a lot of things including Chief Illiniwek, Loren Tate, greedy ministers, the religious right, gun owners, and the like. But I don’t want to be one of those people that complain about everything.

That’s really not who I am.

After all, last Sunday was Easter and it is now officially Spring. It is time for rebirth, new beginnings, flowers, bunnies and all that crap. Thus, your Humble Heretic has decided to die to his old crotchety ways and be reborn into a kinder, gentler and humbler heretic.

I admire and support Barack Obama. I am looking forward to seeing him in the Oval Office after he is sworn in next January 20.

I also admire and support Obama’s long-time pastor, the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright. I have heard Dr. Wright speak a couple of times — not at his church on the South side of Chicago, but as a guest speaker at my seminary, Garrett-Evangelical in Evanston — and I have always been impressed and inspired by his words. So it surprises me that Dr. Wright has come under fire lately for statements he has made in some of his sermons.

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches; I must make amends.
                                                        —Janis Joplin

The Bible contains a lot of wisdom about wealth. In fact, wealth may be the number-one topic addressed in the Bible (it’s certainly in the top five). Let’s review just a few of the more well-known passages.

There is a bill in the Illinois House (HB 1826) that, if passed, will give same-sex couples the right to be joined together in a civil union. This bill has a dozen or so sponsors including our very own 103rd District Representative, Naomi Jakobsson. According to it's synopsis, this bill does the following:

“Creates the Illinois Religious Freedom Protection and Civil Unions Act.... Provides that 2 persons may form a civil union if they: are not related by adoption or blood in any manner that would bar a civil union; are not in another civil union or marriage with any other living person; and are not under 18 years of age. Provides that: protections, benefits, and responsibilities of partners in a civil union are the same as those granted to spouses in a marriage.... and a civil union between 2 persons of either the same sex or the opposite sex licensed, officiated, and registered under the Act is valid in this State.”

Proposed bills like this one really ruffle the feathers of conservative evangelical Christians and their fundamentalist cousins, the groups collectively known as the "Religious Right". They insist that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin.

But does the Bible really state this? The short answer is, actually, no.

I don’t really understand the pro-gun folks. They put those little Burma Shave-like signs out in the cornfields that tell us how guns save lives. They complain that the State of Illinois doesn’t allow them to conceal their guns and carry them around whenever and wherever they want.

And when a bunch of people are killed by some lunatic with a gun — such as in the recent shooting at NIU — the pro-gun folks say something like, “See? If those dead students had been allowed to carry guns, they could have shot back and prevented this tragedy.”

The pro-gun folks seem a bit backwards to me. They’re myopic. They just can’t seem to see the big picture.

Some religious scholars have been trying to discover the "historical Jesus" — the real guy, Jesus of Nazareth, before he got buried under centuries of mythology and became “Jesus Christ the Son of God.” A lot of the stories about Jesus are debatable. For example, did Jesus really feed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish? Or did this story get embellished over the years as it was told and retold by people who weren’t even there? Did Jesus really rise from the dead? Or was he sort of an ancient version of Elvis whose death inspired many “sightings” among his grieving, loyal fans?

There are lots of Jesus stories that we could argue about, but one thing is for sure: whether we’re talking about Jesus the man or Jesus the God — Jesus liked to party.

For those folks unfamiliar with Islam, there are five “pillars” or duties that are required of Muslims:

1. Confessing that Allah is the one God and Muhammad is God’s messenger
2. Praying five times every day while facing Mecca
3. Fasting
4. Giving alms to the poor
5. Pilgrimage to Mecca (this is required only for those who are able)

Muslims have been following these five pillars faithfully for well over a thousand years. As a result, the local Unit 4 school district has a policy of allowing Muslim students time to observe the second pillar of Islam during school hours. This has caused some of my more conservative Christian brothers and sisters to get all bent out of shape.

In my Christian tradition, we set aside special days to honor certain noteworthy people (saints and martyrs) of our faith. A long time ago, the Orthodox Church thought it would be really cool to make small hand-held pictures, or icons, of the saints so Christians could carry them around and honor their memory. It was sort of like the ancient Christian version of baseball cards. Today, there is even a website where you can send icons of the saints on their special days to your friends.

After a couple thousand years of canonizing, there were lots of saints and lots of icons. Now there’s practically a saint (or even multiple saints) for every day of the year. That got to be a bit too tedious for some of us Christians in the West, so we simply expedited the saint-honoring process by lumping everyone together into one day on November 1st. Of course, there’s still a couple of really popular ones such as St. Patrick’s and St. Valentine’s that we couldn’t manage to pack away into the mothballs of All Saints Day.

I wonder if Jack Davis, the University of Illinois graduate who created the Chief Illiniwek logo in 1980, feels like he created a golem? If you already know what a golem is, you can probably skip the next couple of paragraphs. But for those readers unfamiliar with the term, allow me to explain.

First, a golem is not to be confused with Gollum, the character from J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings (though there are certainly some parallels between the two).

The Hebrew word golem appears only once in the Bible, in Psalm 139:16, where it is translated (according to the NRSV) as unformed substance: “Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.”