The tour started in San Francisco and is making its way across the country to Washington D.C. where Greenpeace will be presenting to Congress stories of how Americans are doing their part to fight global warming — and encouraging Congress to do the same. If you would like to share what you have done on the global-warming front, Greenpeace will be collecting stories during the concert on Friday.

After living here in C-U for a while, I thought it would be nice to take my mother out to eat for Mother’s Day at one of our fine local eating establishments. I really like ribs, but my mother likes healthy things like salad and salmon, so being a thoughtful son, I called Famous Dave’s Barbecue and made a reservation. When we showed up that Sunday to claim our table, we were told we would have to wait an hour and a half. “But we had a reservation!” I protested. “Sorry, we overbooked,” was the answer.

Perhaps the problem is that we have been too narrow in our definition of what science actually is. For example, the creationists have been telling us for a long time that the well-thought-out and researched theories of evolution are no match for the mythologies of the Judeo-Christian traditions. Perhaps they are on to something. After all, they’ve written books and in so doing have helped us to see that books are no longer the domain of well-done, peer-reviewed, scholarly research. The creationists have also opened a Creation Museum thus showing us that museums are no longer a place where scholarly research can be disseminated to the common person.

I believe having a sense of community is a powerful, spiritual force in our lives. The central act of Christian worship is (or should be) Communion which isn’t just about drinking wine and eating bread, but about doing those things with a community of believers to symbolize our unity, love and acceptance of one another.

There are a couple other places that provide shelter for women who are victims of domestic abuse and runaway teenagers, but for the most part, the above facilities are the only places that house the homeless in our community.

One thing I have noticed about dogs is that they are among the most accepting and tolerant creatures on the planet. They don’t care if you’re black or white, gay or straight, Christian or Muslim, conservative or liberal. They just sniff various parts of your body (which you may or may not appreciate) and then somehow they say to themselves in their lovable dog brains, “I like the way you smell. You’re OK.”

But this day I was lucky and found an empty chair. I plopped down my towel and flip-flops and reclined for a few minutes to enjoy the sunshine.

The chair next to me had a couple of pairs of flip-flops on it. In case you are unfamiliar with the unwritten rules of the pool, when you see peoples’ belongings on a pool chair, it means that that chair is taken. By putting something on a chair you “save” it so no one else can sit there.

The Marriage Works campaign was started by an organization called Campaign for Our Children which works to reduce teenage pregnancies. This campaign was picked up locally by the social services agency Solid Ground.

In addition to the afore-mentioned billboard, there are other segments of the campaign that say things like, “Kids of married parents do better in school” and “Married people are happier.”

As a newly-single person, I have to say, this billboard really offends me.

I was reminded of this when I attended a “Children First” class last Monday evening at the Family Service of Champaign County. This is a class that is now required by the State of Illinois for all parents who are going through a divorce. It teaches the parents things such as what not to say in front of your children about your spouse, how to handle visitations, communicating with your ex-spouse, etc. It is a class that teaches common decency and how to treat other people — in this case your children and ex-spouse — with dignity and respect. In other words, it is a class on how to be humane (or human).

But I wonder if this emphasis on worship is a good thing. The prophet Amos had some strong words to say about making worship services the focal point of our faith:

I hate, I despise your festivals, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies.... Take away from me the noise of your songs; I will not listen to the melody of your harps. But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an everflowing stream.

This cosmology was prevalent even after such noted scientists as Copernicus and Galileo gave us a more accurate view of the universe. And today in the 21st century, after having ventured a little bit into outer space, we know that “up” is really a relative term. I mean, have you considered that when you are pointing up here in C-U, it is the opposite direction of someone who is pointing up on the other side of the world? Yet many of us Christians continue to speak in spatial metaphors when describing the spiritual realms of heaven and hell.

I don’t know about you — maybe you’re one of those insane golfer types so you might be delirious and giddy that there is yet another golf course opening in C-U. But I am not. I’m mad as hell. I really hate golf. I loathe it. Of all sports, I despise golf more than any other. Why? Not only is golf a huge waste of time, but it is a gross waste of land.

Sorry, just not that interesting. Maybe for some. Not for me.

Then again, for some strange reason — and I’ve never really known why — I’ve always identified myself as a Cubs fan. Ever since I was around seven years old, I have been a Cubs fan. Why? My parents aren’t Cubs fans. Nobody ever told me I have to be a Cubs fan. It’s not like being Jewish or Christian or Muslim where you’re just sort of born into this cultural/religious identity.

So why in the heck am I a Cubs fan?

Even in our modern culture, there are people who possess great magic. I don’t really know how the magic works, but good things will happen to you if you meet one of these magical people. And if you touch one of them, some of their magic will rub off on you. Some folks are even lucky enough to acquire certain talismans that the magic people owned; for example, a handkerchief with which Elvis mopped his sweaty brow, or Mick Jagger’s armpit hair.

This powerful magic can even be invoked simply by saying the person’s name.

Monday evening I was at Pekara, the cozy little bistro on Neil St., because that’s where we Smile Politely editors have our weekly meeting. The meeting was canceled, but nobody bothered telling me. OK, they might have told me, but the truth is I delete 90% of the emails I get from the other Smile Politely editors without actually reading them, so I guess I’ll never know.

But I’m glad I showed up anyway because, first, Pekara has a fantastic tomato bisque and, second, I ran into someone I haven’t talked to in a while and ended up having a great chat.

Well, it was actually more like an interview.

And it was with God.

One of the first things that caught my eye when I walked into the new store was a giant poster stating, “We Value Family” above a photo of a typical, white, middle-class family: a mother, a father and two children.

Of course, my liberal sensibilities were immediately offended. “Hmmph,” I grunted. “What does this mean?” County Market values family? But what kind of family? From the photo I assume the worst: County Market values only white, middle-class families with both a mother and father.

I have visited or attended many Methodist churches (e.g., Urbana First UMC, Champaign First UMC, Wesley UMC, New Horizon ) but they have all, unfortunately, lacked in the area of cultural diversity. I have also visited a few black churches (e.g., Love Corner, Salem Baptist, Canaan Missionary Baptist ), but none of these had Methodist roots.

So I was quite curious about St. Luke CME, for here is a church that has both a black and a Methodist heritage. How, then, would it come across? Would one of these heritages win out over the other? Or would this church somehow manage to marry Methodist and black culture into a cohesive whole?

If I was one of the deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I could chuck it; but then why should I, acause the deserving poor might as well be millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They don’t know what happiness is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor, have nothing between me and the pauper’s uniform but this here blasted three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class.

Ah, the undeserving poor. Champaign-Urbana is rife with them. But we never see them out on the streets, begging for spare change. Instead, they are cozy in their middle-class homes with their middle-class families. Oh, but they do beg. Middle-class begging is just a little harder to spot.

It was the latter experience for me this week when I visited Wesley United Methodist Church at the corner of Green and Goodwin streets in Urbana.

Being a long-time United Methodist myself, visiting Wesley was like slipping into a favorite pair of old sneakers. Of course, this makes my job here very difficult. How am I going to be objective about this church while I write about it through my clouded lenses of familiarity and fondness? Well, I will try, but forgive me if a little Methodist bias slips through.

My family and I went to Wesley UMC last Sunday, April 13, to attend their 9:30 a.m. traditional worship service (they also offer a contemporary service at 11:15). We had no trouble finding a parking spot in the church’s lot off of Goodwin.

“Are you even a Christian?”

This is one of the gentler responses I sometimes receive from conservative evangelicals who cannot comprehend that a fellow Christian would criticize certain aspects of our faith. I like this question very much because at least it gives me a chance to respond with an enthusiastic “Yes, I am!” Then there are the other responses I get such as, “You’re going to rot in hell.” These I don’t care for much. These responses make me want to ask, “Are you even a Christian?” But I don’t. I just Smile Politely.

That’s really not who I am.

After all, last Sunday was Easter and it is now officially Spring. It is time for rebirth, new beginnings, flowers, bunnies and all that crap. Thus, your Humble Heretic has decided to die to his old crotchety ways and be reborn into a kinder, gentler and humbler heretic.

I also admire and support Obama’s long-time pastor, the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright. I have heard Dr. Wright speak a couple of times — not at his church on the South side of Chicago, but as a guest speaker at my seminary, Garrett-Evangelical in Evanston — and I have always been impressed and inspired by his words. So it surprises me that Dr. Wright has come under fire lately for statements he has made in some of his sermons.

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches; I must make amends.
                                                        —Janis Joplin

The Bible contains a lot of wisdom about wealth. In fact, wealth may be the number-one topic addressed in the Bible (it’s certainly in the top five). Let’s review just a few of the more well-known passages.

There is a bill in the Illinois House (HB 1826) that, if passed, will give same-sex couples the right to be joined together in a civil union. This bill has a dozen or so sponsors including our very own 103rd District Representative, Naomi Jakobsson. According to it's synopsis, this bill does the following:

“Creates the Illinois Religious Freedom Protection and Civil Unions Act.... Provides that 2 persons may form a civil union if they: are not related by adoption or blood in any manner that would bar a civil union; are not in another civil union or marriage with any other living person; and are not under 18 years of age. Provides that: protections, benefits, and responsibilities of partners in a civil union are the same as those granted to spouses in a marriage.... and a civil union between 2 persons of either the same sex or the opposite sex licensed, officiated, and registered under the Act is valid in this State.”

Proposed bills like this one really ruffle the feathers of conservative evangelical Christians and their fundamentalist cousins, the groups collectively known as the "Religious Right". They insist that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin.

But does the Bible really state this? The short answer is, actually, no.

I don’t really understand the pro-gun folks. They put those little Burma Shave-like signs out in the cornfields that tell us how guns save lives. They complain that the State of Illinois doesn’t allow them to conceal their guns and carry them around whenever and wherever they want.

And when a bunch of people are killed by some lunatic with a gun — such as in the recent shooting at NIU — the pro-gun folks say something like, “See? If those dead students had been allowed to carry guns, they could have shot back and prevented this tragedy.”

The pro-gun folks seem a bit backwards to me. They’re myopic. They just can’t seem to see the big picture.

Some religious scholars have been trying to discover the "historical Jesus" — the real guy, Jesus of Nazareth, before he got buried under centuries of mythology and became “Jesus Christ the Son of God.” A lot of the stories about Jesus are debatable. For example, did Jesus really feed 5,000 people with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish? Or did this story get embellished over the years as it was told and retold by people who weren’t even there? Did Jesus really rise from the dead? Or was he sort of an ancient version of Elvis whose death inspired many “sightings” among his grieving, loyal fans?

There are lots of Jesus stories that we could argue about, but one thing is for sure: whether we’re talking about Jesus the man or Jesus the God — Jesus liked to party.

For those folks unfamiliar with Islam, there are five “pillars” or duties that are required of Muslims:

1. Confessing that Allah is the one God and Muhammad is God’s messenger
2. Praying five times every day while facing Mecca
3. Fasting
4. Giving alms to the poor
5. Pilgrimage to Mecca (this is required only for those who are able)

Muslims have been following these five pillars faithfully for well over a thousand years. As a result, the local Unit 4 school district has a policy of allowing Muslim students time to observe the second pillar of Islam during school hours. This has caused some of my more conservative Christian brothers and sisters to get all bent out of shape.

In my Christian tradition, we set aside special days to honor certain noteworthy people (saints and martyrs) of our faith. A long time ago, the Orthodox Church thought it would be really cool to make small hand-held pictures, or icons, of the saints so Christians could carry them around and honor their memory. It was sort of like the ancient Christian version of baseball cards. Today, there is even a website where you can send icons of the saints on their special days to your friends.

After a couple thousand years of canonizing, there were lots of saints and lots of icons. Now there’s practically a saint (or even multiple saints) for every day of the year. That got to be a bit too tedious for some of us Christians in the West, so we simply expedited the saint-honoring process by lumping everyone together into one day on November 1st. Of course, there’s still a couple of really popular ones such as St. Patrick’s and St. Valentine’s that we couldn’t manage to pack away into the mothballs of All Saints Day.

I wonder if Jack Davis, the University of Illinois graduate who created the Chief Illiniwek logo in 1980, feels like he created a golem? If you already know what a golem is, you can probably skip the next couple of paragraphs. But for those readers unfamiliar with the term, allow me to explain.

First, a golem is not to be confused with Gollum, the character from J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings (though there are certainly some parallels between the two).

The Hebrew word golem appears only once in the Bible, in Psalm 139:16, where it is translated (according to the NRSV) as unformed substance: “Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.”