Smile Politely

Ex-Straight Conversion Therapy Camp Celebrates One Year Anniversary

Mitch and RosemaryJeremiah Ministries, located on Lincoln Avenue in Urbana, are glaad to announce the first anniversary of their opening. The church is affiliated with Revelations International, a world-wide organization of thinkers promoting “the message of Freedom from Jesus Christ through the power of homosexuality.”

“We’re pleased that we have helped so many free their true nature from the mire of virtue and repression,” gloats the Reverend Paul K. Johns. “There is so much good work still ahead of us.” Reverend Johns is quick to note that the church is named not after the Old Testament prophet Jeremiah, but the 20th century saint Jeremiah Taurobatrachia of Cana, patron of vintners.

Checking him out“We are building on the labors of the many prominent theologians who came before us: Pastor Hugh Douglas, Rabbi Edward R. Allen, Fathers T. L. Filicia and David J. Rodriguez, and of course the seminal texts of Professor Kressley of the Fabulosity Institute have been invaluable.”

“Our agenda is to help those who are lost in the heterosexual lifestyle to find their true selves,” said Johns. “We’re not here to ‘cure’ straights. Oh no. We’re here to offer the beautiful message of hope that heterosexuality doesn’t have to be a soul-destroying, bleak snare from which there is no escape. It can be overcome. For straight women there are choices other than the ol’ in-and-out. For straight men, there exists a world in which cuddling and talking after sex isn’t mandatory. We’re here to help.”

Reverend Johns introduced our reporter to two recent success stories, Mitchell K. and Roz O.

Love Won Out“We sure dodged that phallus-shaped bullet,” says Roz (née Rosemary). “Mitchell and I were about to make a huge mistake and vow a lifelong, monogamous commitment to each other in the eyes of Jehovah. Statistics say that this commitment would have had a 50% chance of lasting!”

“Jeremiah Ministries was our last hope,” Mitchell (formerly, Mitch) said. “I can’t imagine a bigger mistake that one man and one woman could make. At Jeremiah, I learned that I had nothing to fear from seeking real, true, fulfilling Love—just like David found with Jonathan.”

“We support everyone’s right to exist, even if he or she chooses the straight lifestyle,” Johns explained. “But we also know that every day, hundreds of straight men and women with unwanted opposite sex attractions choose to leave heterosexuality. It isn’t easy, but they’re determined. And they work very, very hard. Every day. And then again, every night. Some of them—the women—every hour.”

Jeremiah Ministries is proud to announce future plans to open two other locations in Europe: one in Paris, a traditional locus of Roman Catholicism, and the other in Canterbury, seat of the Church of England, located in the southeastern county of Kent.

Grad Day

Co-writer: Stuart L. Albert
Research Assistant: John P. Albert
Photographers: Sara Q. Thompson and Mark Lindner

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