Hello, and welcome to Food That Willy Kill You! In this column, I will discuss food that’s not in the least meant for “foodies.” This is food that is high in carbs, sodium, cholesterol, flavor, trans fat, and other things that formerly alive people used to eat. So if you’re ready to eat like a real man, say Dom Deluise or Chris Farley, then buckle up and get ready to eat LIKE YOU’VE NEVER EATEN BEFORE!!!!
NOTE: Collin was not kidding. These recipes will seriously kill you. For legal reasons Smile Politely cannot recommend these meals be prepared, eaten, or even thought about by anyone ever. For real.
Today’s recipe is the one-of-a-kind, mucho delicious, Breakfast Cheeseburger. It’s called this because it’s a cheeseburger with bacon and a fried egg on it. Also, if administered properly, you will be dead before noon.
NOTE: A variation of this burger called the Luther Burger is sometimes made in the American South. The main difference is that the Luther Burger uses Krispy Kreme donuts instead of hamburger buns. That particular version is too scary for even Collin to handle, which is saying something. Just say no. But if you are curious, more information can be found here:
- Olive oil
- Soy sauce
- Red wine (Francis Ford Coppola makes this stuff. The Godfather was a pretty good movie, so get some of his)
- Tabasco© brand hot sauce
- A couple mushrooms
- A red onion
- 6 slices of bacon. If you get turkey bacon, so help me god I will punch you in the mouth.
- Half a pound of ground chuck
- One block of cheddar cheese, and one block of pepper-jack cheese
- Chili powder
- Mayonnaise (also a syringe, to inject mayo directly into veins later)
- Lil’ Porgy©’s Extra Spicy BBQ Sauce (more on this later)
- Hamburger buns (be sure to get some high quality, big ones. If you get those tiny little generic ones, you are directly commenting on your own manhood. Even if you’re a woman)
- One egg. Chickens make these, apparently
- First, sauté your vegetables for later administration upon your burger. Put a thin layer of olive oil in a skillet on medium heat. Chop up a couple mushrooms and some red onion and put them on the skillet. As they begin to heat up, put a few splashes of soy sauce, red wine, and Tabasco© brand hot sauce in the skillet to sauté. Cook for about five minutes, or until they’re brown. After they’re done, put them in a bowl and cover it with aluminum foil, to preserve heat.
- Now, using the same skillet you sautéed your veggies in, lay down your bacon. You really only need about two slices, so be sure to cook at least four. Cook them about five minutes to a side, or until they’re nice and crispy.
- While your bacon is cooking, prepare your chuck. Take one half of the half pound, which is one quarter of a pound for all you liberal arts majors out there, and smoosh it nice and flat. It’s going to shrink while cooking, so be sure to make its surface area quite substantive. Then, cut a thin slice from each of your cheese blocks and place the slices on the patty. The rest of the cheese should be put into Ziploc bags and eaten at three o’clock in the morning while crying and watching QVC. Anyway, after laying your cheese down on the first patty, take the other half of the meat and flatten it to similar proportions. Then place it on top, making sure to press down and seal the edges so the cheese is wrapped up in a warm, meat cocoon.
- In a separate pan on low to medium heat, place a little more olive oil. Then place down your burger. Immediately after placing it down, sprinkle a little soy sauce and chili powder on the meat. Then immediately flip it over and do the same with the other side. Cover the pan up, and then let it cook for about ten minutes on each side.
- Pre-heat your over to 250 degrees. You’ll see why in a second.
- When the bacon is good and crispy, place it upon a plate that has been covered in two paper towels. This will help soak up a little of the grease, which does seem to be going against the whole idea of this column, but we all have to sell out sometimes.
- At this point, with your bacon done and your burgers still cooking, you have a little bit of time. Use it to make some extra-special “Fancy Sauce”. Mix together equal parts mayonnaise, ketchup, and Lil Porgy’s brand extra-spicy BBQ sauce. It has to be Lil Porgy’s. Everything else is a goddamn lie, and should NOT be given the time of day.
- Cut the tomato into slices. Also, prepare some lettuce leaves. Cheeseburgers need these things.
- Put your buns (hyuk, hyuk, I’m twelve years old) onto a piece of aluminum foil you have placed on your oven rack. Keep them in the oven for about five minutes or so, until it’s crisp. Doing this will keep all the shit you’re about to put on it from making it so soggy it all falls apart in your hands. (NOTE: This may happen anyway.)
- Time to fry your egg. Use the same pan you made the bacon in, because it is full of bacon grease which will kick the flavor up a notch. Season the egg with just a dash of salt and pepper. Keep in mind that you’re going to want to just cook your egg a little bit, making it over-easy. The egg needs to be runny, as a messy burger is a delicious burger. It’s science.
- After cooking it for ten minutes on both sides, flip your burger patty over one more time. Turn the heat off, place a slice of American cheese on top, and cover it back up. Let the cheese melt all good and gooey.
- Now it’s time to put your burger together. First, spread a generous amount of fancy sauce on both buns. Next, spread the sautéed veggies on the bottom bun. Then, crumble up the bacon and put that down. Then lay down a couple tomato slices, and then the lettuce leaves. The burger patty comes next, with the egg on top of that. The order IS important.
- Put a toothpick right in the middle of the burger. It’ll be cute. Serve with those Ore-Ida season fries you can get in the frozen food sections. Those are delicious. Dip your fries in ranch dressing to add even more delicious calories. Also, carry a flask of ranch dressing around with you at work and take hits from it whenever you feel stressed.
And that’s it! I sincerely hope you have enjoyed this first edition of Food That Will Kill You, which is also known by its original name: Dr. Kevorkian’s Dinner Party! (sorry, my topical reference generator is stuck on “1998”).
If any of you actually bother to prepare this for yourself, be sure to send me your stories and/or pictures. Also, while we’re on the subject of you contacting me for some reason, feel free to send any suggestions you may have for disgusting recipes. The only rule is that they must be terrible for you, and they must have bacon. If they don’t have bacon, I will add some. Send them to [email protected]
So, until next time, loosen the waistbands, prepare the dipping sauces, and be sure to enjoy your eats!