Smile Politely

Coulter wants to ride your bike

It’s probably never a good idea to begin a column talking about a dream, but on the other hand, I do a lot of things that probably aren’t a good idea in a column, so screw a whole lot of that. Either way, last night I had a dream in which I was shot with a gun by actor Ray Liotta. I’m not clear if I was also an actor or if it was even a movie, but anyway, he was supposed to just shoot me a little, where I would be injured yet still live. For some reason that unhinged dickhole really unloaded on me, lots of headshots and that sort of thing.

When I awoke, I was obviously confused, but I was also really mad. Who the fuck does Ray Liotta think he is, shooting me in the head like that? Why the hell does he have to go overboard so much? I suppose that’s just the kind of guy he is, but still, it’s just too much. I never even considered the bigger picture of why the piss I was dreaming about Ray Liotta or getting shot in the head. I really don’t want to have that dream again, but since I’ve been thinking about it all day, I’m pretty sure I will now. Let’s get it on.


I will be the first to admit that I often have a very self-centered view of the world. It’s probably bad with everything in my life, but I especially notice it when it comes to types of transportation. If I’m driving in my car and I’m behind a bus, all I do is curse and frantically try to think of a way to get around it. If, however, I happen to be riding the bus, it really doesn’t seem like all that much trouble.

I usually feel the same way about bicycles. Yeah, yeah, I get it; you have to share the road and all that. I know the bike rider has just as much right to the lane as I do. It’s just that they are going so slow and I’m in a car and physics alone should tell them to get the hell out of my way because if we collide, I’d totally win. I realize this is a complete rat bastard way to be, but since I’m often a rat bastard, that makes completely good sense.


Even though some bicyclists often give me a huge pain in the ass, I have to say, this is totally my favorite time of the year to ride a bike. It’s okay in the summer, but it’s also really hot. Sweating is fine if the bike ride is for recreation, but not all that useful just to go downtown and have a couple of cold ones. The fall-like weather is far better for a fella like me. In fact, I genuinely look forward to not sweating quite as much.

Of course, I’m one of the good bike riders and never cause any problems for motorists. I was attempting to be a smart-ass, but that’s sort of true. I usually prefer to ride on the side streets because, honestly, I’d just rather not worry about someone like me running over me with a car because they are a rat bastard, you know, like me.

Besides that, I don’t want to be signaling turns with my arms and all that. I just want to slowly and quietly ride my bike and not deal with traffic and try to finish the beer I brought with me before I get downtown and start really drinking. I find I don’t have those sorts of luxuries on a main thoroughfare.

One thing I’ve noticed is that the roads from our house to downtown have a slight, gradual decline to them, which makes for a very easy bike ride there. One other thing I’ve noticed is that the incline on the way home is a real sonofabitch. I don’t know if it’s all that beer or the steep assed roads or simply a general bad attitude, but it’s just exhausting. Many times I’ll catch a ride in a car and pick my bike up the next day and throw it in my car. It seems both ridiculous and warranted at the same time. I’m really betting the weather won’t change any of that, but I suppose we’ll see.


It’s weird to me when people who are in bands make solo records because I never quite know what to think of the songs. If the band breaks up or someone leaves and then makes a record, I totally get it. It’s just their songs interpreted differently, not all that difficult … even for me.

The ones I have trouble with are when the band is still together and one person steps away for a short time and puts out a solo record. Did they just not share those particular songs with the band? Are these songs more personal? Some times the songs themselves sort of tell you the reason, and that’s the case with Heat Lightning Rumbles in the Distance, the new album by Patterson Hood of Drive By Truckers fame. These songs just seem like his, not the band’s.

I’ve listened to it about ten or fifteen times so far and here’s what I’ve come up with. I think it’s really amazing. It’s sad and it’s beautiful and it has a couple of talking songs and all that other crap, but it’s simply just a great record. It sounds like DBT in a way. I mean, you would know it’s the guy from that band, but it just doesn’t quite sound like them. Patterson really made his own album this time and I couldn’t be happier. I also like the way I got it.

There’s really nothing like going to a record store, like say, I don’t know, Exile on Main Street, and buying a physical copy of an album and going to your car and listening to it while you drive around. I’m sorry, but clicking a “download now” button simply cannot compare to something like that.


Since I just talked about the new record, let’s make Patterson Hood doing “Disappear” the video of the week. It’s a pretty good song.



  • I am now genuinely distraught and sort of pissed off when I find a raisin in a cookie.
  • I watch Step Brothers every time I run across it on the TV. This turns out to be about four to seven times a day from what I can tell.

Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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