Smile Politely

Dress Well, or Be Mocked You Fools!

Hello, dear friends. As always, I remain the Campus Wit.

Being somewhat of a misanthrope, I often feel the need to look back and find time periods where the state of humanity was not as dire as it is today. In my enthusiasm for history, I often belittle today’s culture by comparing it to the past. In essence, I behave like a bitter old man despite the fact that I am in college and have no direct historical perspective beyond the decrepit financial end to the second Reagan administration.

Hypocritical? Almost definitely.

My hatred of the present manifests itself most biliously when I reflect on the raiment of my fellow countrymen. Have you looked lately at the garb of University of Illinois students? I can find only one word that describes it: deplorable.

I have read about and pretend to remember the days when men would not leave the house without a suit and a fine hat. Women would not even think about stepping out their front doors without a dress or a skirt.

Now, I constantly see college students, both male and female, gallivanting around campus in the most distasteful and informal attire. Sweatpants and hooded sweatshirts abound. Every person seems dressed for comfort alone. Does no one realize that dressing well is not just about looking good, but that it is also a sign of respect for your fellow citizens? Despite the fact that there are few people that I actually respect, I at least have the decency to pretend like I respect my fellow man by dressing well.

The whole situation depresses me. Even the people who dress up to go to job fairs and interviews depress me. They have suits and dresses draped about their bodies but they do not actually “wear” the clothes. They do not take pride in their appearance or put any work into making their fine clothing look good. They just look glum and distraught that they had to forsake their precious comfort for the presumed constraints of fine looking apparel.

“Down with comfort!” I proclaim.

Why should humans be comfortable? Comfort should be a reward handed out for good behavior, and I have not seen much behavior lately that merits such a prize. Let’s bring back the vestments of yore: Top hats, fedoras, waistcoats, floor length dresses, hats that require hat boxes, corsets, skirts, topcoats, bowlers, pantaloons, and neckerchiefs. Maybe if everyone dressed a little better, with a little more thoughtfulness, people would become more upstanding and decent.

Just Maybe.

Before I end, I want to address some questions that people will probably raise after reading this post. Does my desire to control people’s dress make me some sort of a clothing and cultural fascist? Absolutely. Am I a delusional grouch with no bearings? Most definitely. Does this mean that I am wrong? Certainly not.

Finally, always remember that no matter what I say, I am not endorsing dressy pant suits. Please God, if you have any mercy or compassion, curb the rampant proliferation of dressy pant suits that threatens the sanity and nobility of the human race.

Good day.

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