Smile Politely

Gun Rights People Have It All Wrong

I don’t really understand the pro-gun folks. They put those little Burma Shave-like signs out in the cornfields that tell us how guns save lives. They complain that the State of Illinois doesn’t allow them to conceal their guns and carry them around whenever and wherever they want.

And when a bunch of people are killed by some lunatic with a gun — such as in the recent shooting at NIU — the pro-gun folks say something like, “See? If those dead students had been allowed to carry guns, they could have shot back and prevented this tragedy.”

The pro-gun folks seem a bit backwards to me. They’re myopic. They just can’t seem to see the big picture.

We all know that the right to bear arms is protected by the Second Amendment. In the 18th century, arms meant guns. That’s all they had back then — guns and cannons. And that’s what I don’t understand. Why are guns still so popular 300 years later? Why, now in the 21st century, are guns still the preferred method of arming oneself when there are so many more effective, sophisticated and creative ways to kill somebody?

For example, why don’t we grant everyone the right to carry weapons of biological warfare? I bet if I could carry around a vial of the Ebola virus or the Bubonic plague, it would really deter crime. Nobody would dare shoot at me because they might break my vial and then their face would melt off.

Or we could give everyone the right to carry something toxic and radioactive. Personally, if I knew someone was packing plutonium, I would just turn around and run and hope my bones didn’t start glowing.

So, what is wrong with these pro-gun folks? Guns can’t really stop anything. Even the cops know this — and that’s why they wear Kevlar. But the pro-gun people continue to cry about how they can’t carry around their little sissy pistols. I say grow up and arm yourself like a real man!

Guns have a very limited effectiveness. I might be able to shoot one robber, rapist or murderer, but what if there are several? By the time I shot the first one, the second or third could have picked me off. It’s simply not practical in terms of fighting off more than one criminal.

No, we all need something much bigger and better than a gun.

Guns are for grandmas.

So please, all you members of the NRA, use some common sense. Get out of the colonial period and start fighting for the right of every man and woman to arm themselves with a nuclear warhead. That would be the most effective crime deterrence ever. And we already know it works. Look at the amazing success of the Cold War.

Yes, if everyone had their own nuclear missile, every potential crime would simply end in a stalemate.

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