Smile Politely

I’m glad we can drink again

I don’t really miss the rain at all. This is probably because I’m a huge fan of dust bowls and eventually dying of thirst. It’s just really weird to look out the window every time a cloud covers the sun and hope that it’s a storm a brewing. Of course, once the rain eventually gets back to these parts I will become pissed off at it again. It’s possible that I miss bitching about the rain more than the actual rain. I find that’s true about a lot of things. Let’s get it on.


I like to put on documentaries when I take a nap on the weekends. I think it’s the voices that sort of lull me to sleep, but it’s also hearing something that sounds like learning and rebelliously shutting down my system. Either way, this past weekend I pulled up Ken Burn’s documentary about prohibition and settled in for some slumber. It turned out it was so good I never got that nap in. Yes, I may have dozed here and there and possibly had a dream that corresponded with the film, but for the most part it was too engrossing to just give up and go to sleep.


Prohibition just seems like such a stupid idea and I’m glad it’s not the law anymore. The previous sentence is pretty obvious coming from a fella like me, but still I have to reiterate, prohibition would suck a big fat one. Yes, there are many days a year that I don’t drink, but honestly, if I were told I couldn’t drink, I would illegally drink every damned day simply out of spite.


Imagine your life without booze. Personally, I would be the boringest person in the world. I would also possibly be friendless. It would be tough to figure out what to do on the weekends, so much so that I might just work straight through until Monday, because that might be more fun. Yes, I might not leave my car overnight downtown quite so often, but that morning bike ride to pick it up has sort of become fun to me.

On the other hand, there wouldn’t be much of any place to leave my car anyway. I was out both nights this weekend and the Champaign downtown is pretty much based on alcohol. It’s like a wonderful little Disneyworld where they put a beverage in your hand as soon as you walk in the park. All they need is a Tilt-A-Whirl and a monorail and they could start selling 3-day passes.

Yes, there are some nice restaurants and shops, but you can also drink in the restaurants and go shopping after a couple of pops, so alcohol probably plays a part in those, too. There are a lot of coffee chops, which are a nice alternative to drinking, but I can only really manage to drink fancy coffee so that sugar rush would probably make me far more annoying that any amount of liquor. That may not be true, but let’s pretend it is.

Besides that, I just don’t see getting together with a bunch of friends to watch a football game and throw back a couple of Sunny D’s. It’s the booze that makes us enjoy each other so much more. Yes, I’m sure in many situations alcohol could be considered a bad thing. It’s just that in so many other situations it’s just magical. So, short story long, I’m glad there not prohibition anymore, even if I did enjoy a documentary about it.


The brown dog has apparently developed a case of FPS, or Freaky Poop Spasms. Every time he doesn’t quite get it all out he falls quickly to the ground and lies on his back until someone comes over and wipes his ass for him. I thought I completely lost him the other day in the backyard, but then I saw his two front feet protruding out of some grass in the corner of the yard.

I walked over and he was lying on his back, seemingly happy as a clam except for a tiny piece of half-chewed grass that was stuck to his butt. I walked to the garage and got a paper towel, as he made no effort of move in any fashion. I came back, took a deep breath, and gave him a quick swabbing. He immediately jumped up, licked my face, and began running circles around the yard as if he was being shot at. I’m really looking forward to this becoming a habit.


I don’t like gold tequila, but I really enjoy the silver stuff. I did an informal poll over the weekend and was unable to find anyone who preferred the gold version. It’s not fascinating or anything, but it seems kind of weird.

I saw where it’s possible that they may begin releasing a series of books by JD Salinger now that he’s dead. I would have been far more excited about this 20 years ago, but better late than never. I have a feeling I may feel an obligation, rather than an excitement, to read them.


I’m going to take some time off from Smile Politely to work on my own website that I’ve been threatening to do for about 22 years now. It will be call and will probably be completed about 22 years from now. I hope to put some new columns and some really old columns on there, maybe some videos, and whatever else strikes me as fun to do.

Either way, I’ve really enjoyed writing and working with Seth and the folks at Smile Politely. It was swell of them to take me in after I was asked to stop writing for Buzz. It was also a lot more fun than writing for Buzz. I appreciate all SP has done and it feels very weird sort of breaking up with them. I hope we can remain friends…and maybe still sleep together every so often when we get drunk.

Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

More Articles