Smile Politely

It’s a doggie dog world

My only goal last weekend was to go see that new Avengers movie. As you can probably guess, it never came to pass. I initially planned to see the first show on Saturday morning, but apparently I like staying out and drinking far more than I like getting up to go see a movie. As it now stands, I’ll pretend I’m going to see it for another week or so and then eventually get excited when it’s coming out on video or on-demand.

By my rough estimation, I will eventually see the damned thing about a year and a half from now. It will be on a Saturday morning and I will begrudgingly decide to watch it so I don’t have to mow the yard or go to the grocery store. This is why I should never really be excited about anything.

Anyways, I got a lot of nice responses from people about my wedding column, so I figure it’s only appropriate that I make this one sort of stupid and almost impossible to like. I really feel like I can totally do it. Let’s get it on.


My favorite headline of last week was something along the lines of “Man Arrested for Having Sex with Girlfriend’s Dog.” Okay, by favorite, I suppose I mean “most intriguing.” I don’t advocate fornicating with animals of any sort in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say I’m really against it.

Having said that, there are a few questions I’d like answered about the incident. The article was pretty vague, probably necessarily vague, about what really happened. Long story short, guy has sex with girlfriend’s dog, gets caught, and then arrested. I’m assuming there was also a fair amount of slapping and crying involved. I will admit I clicked on the story mostly to see if there were any pictures. Not pictures of the guy banging the dog, obviously, but just pictures of the guy and his girlfriend and the dog in question. There was a picture of the guy, but not much else.

I guess that was okay because they really needed to show a photo of the creepy bastard. First of all, so all of his buddies can point at him and scream “dog fucker!” Second of all, it’s good to get his mug shot out there in case any dogs happen to be walking past the computer. This way they can be on the lookout and prepared if they see him around the neighborhood.

The guy’s mug shot sort of look like he’d just got caught screwing the pooch, but there was not nearly enough shame on his face for my liking. Personally, I’d tattoo a dog bone on his forehead immediately, just like they did with swastikas in that Inglorious Basterds movie. It would be either that or some sort of two-man Human Centipede thing with Michael Vick.

So, the guy was pictured, but the dog wasn’t. I can only assume this was because the dog was so freaking good looking that they didn’t want to take a chance dicking up the jury pool. “Your Honor, bestiality is a horrible and terrible thing, but did you see the legs on that beagle? There but for the grace of God go each and every one of us.” It was probably one of those sexy Pomeranians.

I found the most fascinating part was that it was his girlfriend’s dog. Geez Louise, she must be a keeper. The guy had a girlfriend and he still chose to plow her dog. Good luck being the next dude she goes out with after she picks up the pieces. I’m betting the word “trust” will no longer be in her vocabulary … or the dog’s for that matter.

So, it’s just all sorts of disturbing for everyone, the chick, the dude, the dog, and the people who are reading about it. Do we really need to make a pact as human beings that we are really going to try and stop having interspecies intercourse? It’s nasty and very inconsiderate to the animal. There are perfectly good humans out there who would probably have sex with you, eventually, if you put in a little bit of effort, and you know, stopped trying to have sex with dogs.


  • I heard “Jailbreak” by Thin Lizzy on the radio the other day. It’s an okay song, I suppose, so long as you don’t listen real closely to the words. “Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town.” Somewhere in this town? I’m just going off the top of my head here, but I would guess the jailbreak will probably be at the fucking jail. Fine, maybe there’s, like, a county jail and also a penitentiary in this particular city, so that’s really only two places where I would anticipate any sort of jailbreak. Either way, I wouldn’t think it would be too hard for the authorities to crack the code on this one.
  • I’m pretty juiced that Dinosaur Jr. is going to be at the Pygmalion Music Festival this year. Their last record, Farm, has been at the top of the rotation in my garage for about three years. For some reason, some of us fellas can really drink a lot of beer when that’s playing. We saw them in Chicago when that record first came out and it was just amazing. We also drank a lot of beer then, too. Um, it could be that we just drink a lot of beer, no matter who’s playing.

Buona sera, signorina, kiss me goodnight.

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