Smile Politely

Mr. Coulter goes to Danvile

This column will be jammed packed with all sort of things. Usually, I make every attempt to milk every tiny ounce of minutia out of any subject and this week I don’t even have to. There are also a bunch of pictures, so sit back and enjoy and be sure not to try to hard. I know I didn’t. Let’s get it on.


Let’s begin with something that sort of sucks. One of Esquire Lounge’s top-notch bartenders is leaving town. Fine, it maybe doesn’t suck for her, but it sucks for me since I don’t get to have her make me a drink 50 times a week anymore. Our good friend and Tough Mudder participant, Rhiannon, is moving away. In her honor, and also because it was Saturday, we decided to have a little garage going away party. Here’s the goodbye girl with a candle.

I decided to go all out for the party and cook about 50 bratwursts. Everyone who came to the party apparently brought about 50 beers because I’m running a fairly large surplus now. I even went so far as to build a fire in the backyard. Sure, it wasn’t that cold, but we had some extra firewood and I sort of like burning things when I’m intoxicated. Normally when I talk about a flaming log it has something to do with a trip to the bathroom, so it was nice to use that term in the context of a party.

We tore it up for a couple of hours, drank tequila shots, watched some dogs play, and then capped it all off with a group shotgunning of beers, all of which went about as well as could be expected. After that it was a trip downtown for a bunch of things I don’t remember as well as I probably should. Regardless, we will all miss Rhiannon, partly as a bartender, but mostly as a friend. Good luck and Godspeed, you crazy mudder.


Ok, I love my buddy, Chris Green. He used to live around these parts but recently moved out west. This is apparently becoming very popular these days and I don’t care for it all that much. Anyway, during our little get together on Saturday someone mentioned that Chris was escorting Lady Gaga around the Hamptons this weekend. Yes, that’s weird, but trust me, he’s done weirder things. Either way, I Googled it and what the fuck do you know.

I swear, it’s getting hard for him to surprise me anymore. As for the picture, it appears Gaga is eating chocolate off of a cadaver and it appears he is about to ask, “what her situation is?” Chris Fucking Green.


Another fine part of the fun-filled week was making the annual pilgrimage to Danville to see the Dan’s baseball team play on Tuesday. $2 to get in, $2 hot dogs, $2 dollar beers. I can’t believe I ever came back.

We went last year and it’s a really fun time. I should point out that their games are over this weekend, so if you want to see them before next year, you better get your ass in gear. It’s only about a thirty-minute drive and they got beer, so you could have far worse weekend plans. Just look how happy these people are.

This was our little group, but as we settled in and began to scour the crowd, we saw another group of locals that had made the trip over. This is what they looked like.

As you can see, we didn’t have a very good view of them but were still able to pick them out and immediately begin making fun of them. Once we saw them up closer we could only assume they had came to the game after finding a big sale on brightly colored v-neck t-shirts…and yes, to answer the obvious question, it was a whole lot of fun to mock friends from such a great distance.

Besides that, Danville lost the first game of a double header, and we left before the second game because…I happened to tell my friend, who we’ll call Eddie, that they had Italian beef sandwiches so he insisted we bring him one back to C-U. I felt that it would be best not to let his little treat fester too long and I was also plenty tired of carrying the damned thing around.

By the time we got back, the sandwich was still, brilliantly and oddly, as warm as it was when I bought it. Eddie took a quick bite, stuck the rest in his pants pocket, and headed home. It was actually one of the most refreshing encounters we’ve ever had, though it did sort of make me wish I’d just eaten the sandwich myself. Go Dans.


I’ve been sort of annoyed that the News Gazette only allows non-subscribers to view 8 stories online before they shut them down. I’m not all that annoyed anymore. I totally get the argument that shit costs money to produce and many think everything online should be free, so there’s sort of an impasse. I’ll completely skip any part of that argument, partly because I don’t care and mostly because if someone doesn’t give you content for free, someone else probably will.

I would just like to point out that I’ve been sort of parceling out what stories I read in the News Gazette online so I don’t go over my quota of 8. What did I learn? I learn that I apparently don’t even want or need to read 8 stories from their website. I got nothing against them but it’s simply not all that interesting to me. In fact, it’s sort of like an awesome punishment since I don’t have to attempt to care about something I don’t much care about.


Watching VHS porn is sort of like driving a Model-T car around town, sort of cool and sort of weird. The only really good thing about it is that it seems more dangerous since there’s a pretty good chance it will break down some time during the journey. The other good thing is if it does break down, there’s a good chance you can probably fix it yourself.

Can we just kill Alex Rodriquez already and move on with our lives.

Coors Light is a really good beer if you’re thirsty…and so it pretty much any other product called “beer.”

Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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