I don’t have a particular sponsor for my column, the biggest reason being that no one would probably care to do such a thing, guilt by association and all that. Fine by me. Instead, this week I’d like to feature a product I’ve got quite a lot of good out of these past few sultry days.


Yep, Gold Bond spray. The powder was great and messy, but this spray is the bomb and gives the illusion it is about to freeze your testicles right off your body. This is good because if you’re a woman, you probably don’t want testicles to begin with, and if you’re a dude, well, it’s just plain refreshing. Let’s get it on.

HEY BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU’RE WAGGING THAT POLE

Part of the reason I’ve been taking advantage of this week’s featured product is that I’ve been doing quite a lot of yard work lately. This is usually the time I get motivated to do some yard work, you know, when the summer is about halfway over and most of the work will seem futile come next spring. Either way, it’s shit that needs to get done so I finally sucked it up.

I’ve cut saplings out of a fence line, did some gutter work, and knocked out about 1/100 of the weeding that needs to be completed. The most satisfying task, however, has been trimming some trees in the backyard. The main reason this is a fun thing to do is because of this little tool.

Yeah, that’s right, it’s an electric telescoping pole saw. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Holy shit, that son-of-a-bitch looks dangerous,” you’re absolutely correct. That saw is an absolutely wonderful nightmare of technology. It is pretty much what you think it is, a chain saw that you can attach to a pole. The fact that you’re also combining a blade and electricity only makes it more wonderful.

It’s wonderful because I’m a moron and even I know it seems like a very flawed concept. The words “pole” and “saw” go together like the words “baby” and “razor.” Still, even though I can understand its shortcomings, there is simply no way I can ignore its allure. I mean, it’s a chainsaw on a fucking pole! While I would probably prefer to be killing zombies or something with it, it’s also a joy to just cut down some low hanging branches … or even some high hanging ones.

You may ask, can it hurt you? Fuck yes it can hurt you. I got a big gash over one eyebrow and another pretty deep wound on top of my head, both of them a result from a branch falling from a great height. This saw apparently reaches so high that it alters the perspective of branches and makes them seem much smaller to the person holding the saw. It’s also sort of hard to get out of the way of a falling branch quickly, because, you know, it’s tough to move very quickly when you’re holding a chainsaw on a pole.

Since I’m having so much fun with this, I now plan to purchase a gun that can attach to a bow and arrow, and possibly a Molotov cocktail that can be tied to a car antenna.

DIRECT TO YOU … SO LONG AS IT’S WINTER

As you may remember, probably better than I do since you can’t possibly drink as much, last week I had a fun little argument with a lady at DirecTV over the issue that satellite signals don’t go through trees and so I was essentially paying them for the luxury of having their ugly assed dish in my backyard. Well, they sent out a couple of technicians last week and they concluded that my initial thought was correct and that the signal doesn’t go through trees and shit.

Fortunately, I suppose, they let me out of the contract, but that still left me with a bigger dilemm: what the hell am I going to use to watch the TV? I could have gone running back to Comcast, but that just seemed like a satisfaction I wasn’t quite ready to give them just yet. I thought about AT&T, but to be honest, I’m not super-clear what service they are offering exactly. It didn’t seem like I had a shit ton of options.

It turns out I did. I nutted up and decided to take a step towards the future. I bought myself one of those Roku boxes that allows a person to get all his TV on the Internet. I was leery at first, partly because technology usually bites me in the ass and mostly because I thought Roku was some sort of martial art. I didn’t really have to worry about either.

I plugged that little bastard in and had it set up in about five minutes. This beats my previous technology set-up of seven hours by quite a lot. I signed up for Netflix and Hulu Plus. It turns out we already had access to Amazon TV, so there you have it. I’m now getting three channels that offer what seems like an insane amount of material that I can watch whenever I’d like. I don’t have to record nothing.

The one monkey wrench is that Major League Baseball has a Draconian policy of blackouts, so I can’t watch any of the games I want to see live. Oh, I could watch the Mariners or the Marlins or the Mets, but I can't watch the Cards, Cubs, or White Sox. Still, I’m saving about a hundred dollars a month, so I suppose I can use that money to go out drinking and watch the games I want to see, which is pretty much all of them. It’s already working out better than I imagined.

EXTRAS

If you aren’t following someone, don’t point out that you aren’t following them, because then they will totally think you are following them.

I got some of those Ice Breakers mints that are called Duo. According to the package they are a combination of fruit + cool. I chose the raspberry flavor and let me just say they are just lovely. I was going to say something about how awesome they feel in your mouth, but I figured there’s no reason to give anyone more ammunition than they already have.

I’m really enjoying fantasy baseball this year. I often show my enjoyment for things by cursing.

Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.