Smile Politely

Opening day brings drinks to the table

You know how they test those emergency sirens on the first Tuesday of every month? Yeah, I do too. I generally hear it from a distance and think, “Oh, those are working. What a comfort.” Last week, the damned thing went off while I was right under it. This was in no way comforting. If you go by that, the first thing I would do in an emergency is to shit my pants and begin to plead to everyone for mercy of some kind. At a distance of 20 feet or so, it’s just disorienting and pretty freaking scary. By the time it was finished I was running away from it like I was Jimmy Stewart in North by Northwest.

I plan to be very aware of Tuesdays from here on out. Okay, it’s going to be a column about drinking, can you believe it? Me either. Let’s get it on.

OPENING DAY, but not really

Since the baseball season had weird opening days this year, some of us decided to make our official opening day this past Friday. I suppose you could call it “unofficial opening day,” which would make it sort of like that “unofficial St. Patrick’s Day” that the kids celebrate, except not quite as douche baggy. Not to brag or anything, but our opening day made those people look like candyasses.

Our day was to begin bright and early at Brass Rail. Since they open at nine, we didn’t show up until about 9:15. My day didn’t begin there though. In fact, I was preparing for the stupidity the evening before. Since we felt we’d need some sort of lunch after we’d had a beer or two, I cooked a pork roast overnight so there would be something ready to go when we got hungry. I generally hate drinking and eating, but I also felt there was no reason to be a complete dumbass.

Aside # 1: Cooking something for eight hours while you sleep may seem like a swell idea, and it is, but it was excruciating during that four in the morning pee. It was all I could do not to carve off a sandwich and eat it over the toilet. For the record, I didn’t … as far as anybody knows.

Since I was up early, I was all excited and had some time to kill. I thought it’d be a good idea, for both the dog and myself, if we took a little walk just to get the edge off. He thought it was the greatest morning ever and I thought I should have brought a beer along, just to really get the edge off. It was a little chilly, but it was already perfect opening day weather. I would have said the same thing if it was 20 below. When I returned home, there was just enough time to shower and get my ass downtown. Strangely though, something gave me pause.

Aside # 2: As the dog and I approached the house after the walk, there was a dude carrying a Jesus cross down the street. I don’t think it was really Jesus, because there was a guy in a windbreaker walking beside him. Also, he wasn’t really carrying the cross because it had a roller on the bottom of it. I bet the Son of God would have really appreciated a roller on his cross. I also bet tennis shoes and jeans would have been far more comfortable under his robe. He did sort of look like Jesus, but in the same way I sort of look like Prince.

I briefly toyed with the idea of pretending to whip him with the dog leash, just to lend a little The Passion of the Christ realism to the ceremony, but I would have probably slipped and really hit him and then the next thing you know I’m fighting with Jesus and it’s a whole thing. Either way, it was the first time I realized it was going to be Easter on Sunday. The tricky part was deciding whether seeing this was a good sign for the day or a bad one. I decided on both.

Anyway, I made it to the Rail 15 minutes after they opened, but I was already stretched out and ready to go. The first few beers went down fine, albeit with a slight apprehension. I lost that apprehension for the next 17 or so. After a lunch stopover at the house, we made our way to Tumble Inn where an actual baseball game was set to begin. It’s nice because they can usually get most of the games in the summer and we wanted to watch a bunch of them at the same time. Several more people met up with us there.

From there it was a ridiculous walk further into downtown and oblivion. We all behaved far better than I expected, even though I did set that bar fairly low to begin with.

Aside # 3: I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to have a shot of rum at Esquire Lounge as you think your day is finally coming to a close, but I can tell you it’s not a good idea to stay out another three hours after what was to be the last drink of the day.


  • If you’re out and about tonight (Thursday the 12th) and you want to see some great bands, check out the above mentioned Brass Rail for Cheaper Hits, Thundertruck, and New Ruins. It will rock your testicles off. If you don’t have testicles, it will probably just feel pleasant.

     Buona Sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.

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