Just as a fun little tidbit, I wrote this column while having a couple of pops and watching a ballgame at Huber’s. I actually haven’t done that for a while and let me tell you, it’s really fun. I also point this out in case the writing is better or worse than usual, because you know, I have an excuse either way. Let’s get it on.


PLEDGE DRIVE

I was going to write out the Pledge of Allegiance but I figured everyone already knows it, so I just said it out loud to myself to see if I could still remember it. It came back to me pretty quickly, though I did almost forget to put “indivisible” in there. I know the pledge, not because I’m super-patriotic but because we had to say it every day at school when I was a kid.

The thing is, it’s sort of like the quadratic formula. I can say it, but I’m still not 100% sure what it’s purpose is. I guess it’s simply a way to say, “I’m on board with our country.” It’s a swell little piece of propaganda, except that when it’s your own country you don’t call it propaganda. I’ve never much considered the meaning behind it other than to realize that it’s probably not all that true.

It’s possible that it’s nothing more than a nice little memorization tool and I have a feeling it may be obsolete. I think we may need to have our kids start memorizing something they can actually use. It will be easy because I already wrote something up for them.

I, as a relatively terrible and selfish person, promise to always tell the truth. During that 70% of the time that I do lie, I promise to do it as comfortably, as convincingly, and as lyingly as I possibly can in order to give the general populace the most entertainment I can muster.

I will lie until I can lie no longer, at which point I will beg forgiveness like a total pussy, you know, so it seems like I’m sincere. If my apology is declared to be good enough by the media I will then move on with my life and try not to get caught again…so help me God.

Forget about Andy Warhol’s tired assed 15 minutes of fame. In the future everyone will have a wonderful little televised scandal. I suppose Warhol’s thing still sort of works, since famous and infamous have apparently became synonymous.

Geez Louise, people are taking steroids, using the wrong kind of colorful language, and texting pictures of their wieners to anyone who will show the slightest bit of interest in them. I could think that it’s the type of behavior where the person actually wants to get caught, but it’s not. That shit might have played when people were decent and there wasn’t a camera on every phone, but no more. From what I can tell, getting caught sucks as badly as it ever has, maybe even more.

ALL APOLOGIES

I’m not especially pissed about all the cheating and general douchbaggery. I’m simply tired of all the whiney fucking apologies. No matter what your fuck up, you now have to go on camera and express just how sorry you are for screwing the pooch. We don’t judge you on your sincerity necessarily just on your acting ability and the amount of prep work you got from your new PR firm. From what I can tell, crying also helps a lot. Either way, I’m sick of it and I’m not buying any of it.

Trust me, I’ve done some crooked-ass shit in my life. I’m usually far more upset that I got caught than I am sorry for what I did. Fortunately for me, I usually just have to make amends to a small group of people because I’m not sure my lame and lazy apologies would play to a larger audience.

I could give a rat’s ass about watching any of it, but on the other hand, I usually do. It’s almost like a civic duty to rate the apology and to use those two semesters of psychology to tell if the person is sincere and really means it. Either way, I always think they’re lying. Hell, I don’t trust most people, but I especially don’t trust someone who’s apologizing for being a dickhole from the beginning.

Here’s what I would like. Everyone just stop saying you’re sorry already. A far better idea might be to act like you have a little sense before you have a reason to apologize. Getting caught doesn’t equal regret any more than having sex makes you a porn star. Just be honest for once and admit to being a completely selfish asshole and then move on with your life. No one is probably gonna wish you any worse than they already do.

EXTRAS

We have apparently finally got tired of stepping in dog shit in the yard, so we picked up this little jewel.

It’s a pretty solid piece of machinery. It’s made by Nature’s Miracle. I don’t know. It’s not really miraculous or anything but it sure will pick up dog shit like a champ.

I finally got Bill O’Reilly’s book called Killing Kennedy. Yes, I understand he’s a complete fuckhole most of the time, but from what I’ve read so far he writes a pretty fine historical novel. I’m probably not a fair evaluator though, since I could read just about anything about the Kennedy assassination. It’s not that I loved Kennedy. It’s just that I find assassinations absolutely mesmerizing.

Buona sera, senorina, kiss me goodnight.