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“Wrastlin’ Abe” named new University of Illinois mascot

The University of Illinois has decided to honor its state's long time iconic president, Abe Lincoln, by making him the official mascot of the university.

The decision comes on the heels of a new, highly popular depiction of Lincoln as a lover of wrestling in Mountain Dew commercials.

“We can’t think of a better way to honor the memory of President Lincoln than by re-enacting, as closely as historically possible, the Mountain Dew commercial fight between 'Wrastlin Abe,' Stephen Douglas and that other guy he cracked over the head,” said U of I Board of Trustees Chair Lawrence C. Eppley today in a press conference.

A new show will be developed for football and basketball halftimes, where Wrastlin’ Abe will break off legs from historically-accurate reproductions of debating chairs of the period.  He will use them to beat his opponents into submission while the band plays Dixieland jazz selections and the crowd cheers on with tomahawk chops.

As if on cue, a new group has formed on campus, calling themselves “Historians,” to protest the use of Lincoln as a mascot. “While it is technically true that Lincoln loved wrestling, it is incredibly disrespectful to depict him AS a wrestler,” pleaded Stephen Kaufman, to general scorn.

Also criticizing the move was Roberto Martell of Students for Chief Illiniwek, who said that Chief Illiniwek, U of I’s previous mascot, should at least get a chance to fight Wrastlin’ Abe in a mascot-off. “We think Illiniwek could take Lincoln if he were properly armed” said Martell. The winner would then earn the right to do a victory dance in front of the crowd.

University officials have not responded to requests for comment on this proposal.

5 comments

P. Gregory Springer avatar featured_post

P. Gregory Springer

#1

I’m definitely going to start going to the games now.  It’ll be like history, politics, and sports rolled into one!  A-B-E, A-B-E!  Abee Babee!

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Tod

#2

Is this official? I can’t find any reference to it on the U of I website.

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LovieGirl654

#3

THAT IS THE STUPIDIST MASCOT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WHOLE WORL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY NEED THE CHEIF BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Whirlin

#4

Excellent! But then they will say we are denigrating hillbillies!
 

Tony Pomonis avatar featured_post

Tony Pomonis

#5

Since Illie is a pacifist, he share space (and hugs) with Wrasslin’ Abe.


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Dan Schreiber avatar

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{username}

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Rob McColley avatar

I read Timbo’s argument. I think the key word is “speculating.“

{username}

Timbo makes a smart, sound argument. Reread it.

Dan Schreiber avatar

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Dan Schreiber avatar

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Timbo avatar

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Tracy Nectoux avatar

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{username}

Illinois has simply had no luck at all in these Mizzou games. None. I think maybe we’re do for a couple of bounces to go our way. If we get one or two (or sever or eight) breaks, I think it’s a win. 

Dan Schreiber avatar

Jason, Savoy could easily join the CPL tax district, which is probably closer to most Savoy residents than the Tolono library is.  But my impression is that Savoy residents as a whole don’t want to pay the cost of the CPL (Tolono’s library taxes are cheaper), even…

{username}

Sorry, but I am lagging behind on updates to the map. Also, some construction projects were delayed from their original start date. On a more positive note, I am putting together a map of haunted houses in Central Illinois. I have a few plotted already, and I…

{username}

I’ve never gotten the privilege of all the services CPL cardholders get.  I just want to be able to go out of my way to drive to the CPL to check out books, pay fines, maybe buy some coffee, and enjoy the library.  None of those activities…

{username}

These days, there is more to using a library than checking out books. At one time, paying into the Lincoln Trails system probably would cover the expenses incurred by other libraries in the system. Now, with Internet, videos, coffee shops, wireless Internet hubs, etc., I suspect the…

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Rob McColley avatar

I read Timbo’s argument. I think the key word is “speculating.“

{username}

I would be interested to hear more about the “word on the street”—how are individual hauling companies fulfilling their promise to recycle?

{username}

Timbo makes a smart, sound argument. Reread it.

emma reaux avatar

I joined on 09-09-09 after living here over a year, and having to listen to my dad tell me how his best friend is, like, #27 or something crazy like that, and how said friend never lived further than 50 feet from the Illini Inn while going…

Dan Schreiber avatar

And, I might add, no one is being prevented from using the Champaign library. They are just being asked to pay their fair share if they are going to use it as their primary library.

Dan Schreiber avatar

The equation is pretty simple here. If you want social services, then pay the taxes required to run those social services. These things only work if everyone puts in their fair share. As a heavy user of the Champaign Library, I say bravo to this new policy.

Timbo avatar

Curtis Orchard is always good for an hour or three, especially if you have rugrats.

Timbo avatar

What is the increased marginal cost of serving a resident of Savoy or Mahomet? I suspect negligible. What is the increased revenue to be realized by this new policy? I suspect very little. Aside from these financial aspects, what are the most probable results from this new…

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Looks like you are also all members of the killer sideburns club.

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Joel Gillespie avatar

@Annie: Yeah, my bad. That was the best part! Drinking + memory exercises = fun @Rob: According to Ask the English Teacher, “My dictionary says ‘drunk’ is an archaic past tense of ‘drink.‘“ We’re all about the new grammar around here.

Tracy Nectoux avatar

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Ben Valocchi avatar

good call on that Herring recording, Josh. Love that version of Exit Music….here’s a clip of the Cinco de Mayo show (from about six months prior). As I recall, this Shakedown went on for roughly a half hour, while getting into the Trampled Underfoot jam in the…

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