Valentine’s Day is this week! I’m sure many of you already have plans to go out for a lovely dinner at one of the many fine, semi-fine, or fine-esque dining establishments in downtown Champaign with your date, partner, significant-other, spouse, or casual intercourse chum. Either before or after your meal you’ll probably want to take a little stroll around downtown and maybe get some serious smoochin’ time in. Well, I’m here to run down all the worst, and a few of the best, places in downtown Champaign for you to make out with somebody.
Let’s start with the WORST places, in no particular order:
Anywhere in within sight of Humpty Dumpty (a.k.a Mr. Eggwards)
Hate him or merely tolerate him, you gotta admit that the Humpty Dumpty statue outside Esquire exists, and is 100% looking very suggestively at something. Definitely don’t try to steal a kiss anywhere near him or you’ll be immediately creeped out and have to stop.
Top of the metal stairway attached to the bank drive-thru by Cowboy Monkey
Perhaps you and your date are feeling playful and want to reenact that very romantic scene from that one movie where the boat sinks and the guy dies (the title escapes me at the moment). Well here’s one very accessible place in downtown to do that, however I really don’t recommend it. Though I wouldn’t call this stairway “rickety” it certainly didn’t fill me with a ton of confidence. Also, at the top of the stairs is a creepy doorway. If you were having a nice, intimate moment with a loved one on that stairway, I’d say there’s a 70% chance some weirdo would pop out of that door and push you both over the side. Don’t take that chance, it’s not worth it.
Center of the roundabout thingy by Black Dog
Maybe you and your partner are so beautiful and vain that you want to look like sexy statues while swapping spit outdoors for all to witness. The roundabout by Black Dog in Champaign would seem to be a good spot for it. It’s just a big concrete pedestal with nothing on top. You could stand up there and be the center of attention for the hundreds of people trying to get a parking spot at Black Dog! However, I gotta tell you, don’t do it! There’s barely enough space for one person up there, much less two people actively Frenching.
The Roger Ebert bench
Look, I love Roger Ebert, but this is just not a good bench for a serious snogging session for the simple reason that the Roger statue is RIGHT IN THE WAY. Instead of “save room for Jesus” it’s “save room for Ebert.” Of course, one of you could sit on Roger’s lap to try and be closer, but yeah, that’s just extra weird.
On the swings in West Side Park
What better place to spend time with your significant other than the park? And what more joyous activity than swingin’ on the swingset. Too bad these swings are just too far apart to allow for safe kissing of any kind. Not even gentle pecks! Just sit in the same swing you say? Preposterous! Such an act is forbidden by a number of federal and state laws (trust me on this, I learned the hard way).
In line at Café Kopi
At the time of this writing, forecasts are saying it’s supposed to rain on the evening of Valentine’s Day, so it’s likely you’ll want to halt your evening stroll, dash inside somewhere cozy and continue your make outs there. Kopi is certainly a warm and inviting place right downtown, just do not do not start necking right when you’re in line to order. Other people are there trying to get their coffee and lemon bars in a timely manner! Being overwhelmed by amorous passion is no reason to be rude.
And now, here are a few of the BEST spots for a quick round of tonsil hockey:
The fake well outside Big Grove
I never truly noticed this little well until I was out looking for prime kissing locations. It’s a great place to make out because it is A. whimsical, and B. not in anybody’s way. Sadly it’s not a real well with water, so I doubt it grants any wishes. Though that does dramatically reduce the likelihood of you falling in and drowning while sucking face.
On top of the Hill Street Parking Deck
How about sharing a beautiful, romantic, AND panoramic view of downtown Champaign with your special somebody? Sound good? Well tough, cuz the only way to get that is to shell out for a room at the Hyatt. However, you can get a vaguely respectable view of the city, and a level of privacy from atop the Hill Street Parking Deck. It’s got a commanding view of well, Hill and Randolph. I’ve only ever seen like one car up there at a time so you don’t need to worry too much about being disturbed. It’s a great place to look at the stars on a clear night (which it isn’t likely to be on Valentine’s. Maybe wait until summer for any parking deck romance).
Fitting room at Dandelion
What’s more fun than taking a pleasant walk with your date? SHOPPING. Stroll on over to Dandelion and take a look at their eclectic collection of vintage clothing. Once you’ve each got a ridiculous jacket to try on, pull your date into one of the dressing rooms for some quick lip-on-lip action. These dressing rooms are great because they’re colorful, cozy, but never crowded. However, don’t go past first base here kids, the employees at Dandelion are authorized to use the fire extinguisher on any couples they think are canoodling too hard.
Well that’s it for this list. Kiss responsibly out there folks, and don’t forget your mints/gum (breath etiquette is important). I’ll catch y’all again next month.
XOXO,
-Tom