Smile Politely

In Dog We Trust

This past week I met a lot of dogs because I just happened to be visiting various friends who all had a dog or two (or four in the case of one who was dog sitting).

One thing I have noticed about dogs is that they are among the most accepting and tolerant creatures on the planet. They don’t care if you’re black or white, gay or straight, Christian or Muslim, conservative or liberal. They just sniff various parts of your body (which you may or may not appreciate) and then somehow they say to themselves in their lovable dog brains, “I like the way you smell. You’re OK.”

Dogs don’t judge or condemn you because you’re not a canine and they make no demands whatsoever that you become like them.

I wish human beings could be like that. But human beings, especially religious ones, get it backwards most of the time, which is kind of ironic because Dog is God spelled backwards.

And I think certain religious groups might be better off if they worshiped dogs instead of the intolerant, judgmental self-projections that they call God.

So today I am starting a new religious revolution.

I would like to propose that we replace that pithy and useless saying on our money with “In Dog We Trust.” And let’s replace that similar phrase in the Pledge of Allegiance with “One nation under Dog.” These changes would tell the world that we are a country full of good will, love and compassion instead of a country of an intolerant, sexist, racist, and homophobic deity.

Dogs rock. They really do.

I know, I know. Now, the cat people out there are crying foul. They will suggest that we make the changes say, “In cat we trust” and “One nation under cat.”

But that just won’t do.

A religious nation founded on dog principles is clearly superior to one founded on cat ideals. Dogs are loving and kind. Cats are selfish and cruel.

I’m a dog person. You should be one too.

So join my tolerant, loving and compassionate crusade to put dog pictures on the walls of every court house in the nation. Then we can start tackling the problem of what to do about cat people. For they surely are corrupting our society with their catnip and their litter boxes and their disgusting coughed-up hairballs.

I mean, yes, I’m all for tolerance, but we have to draw the line somewhere.

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