After overhearing one too many pro-Don Gerard conversations, Jerry Schweighart’s campaign manager, Marjorie Williams, burned Farren’s Restaurant to the ground as the lunch hour drew to a close on Thursday, resulting in the death of 20 patrons and employees. “I had to destroy this restaurant in order to save it,” Williams said matter-of-factly from behind eyes whose calmness belied her fury. “My only regret is that my napalm supplier was not able to accommodate me on such short notice.”
Deputy Fire Marshal Janet Maupin said the cause of the fire was still under investigation, but was believed to have started when a middle-aged woman entered the front entrance bearing a flamethrower and began directing the incendiary device on the structure and its occupants. She stated that her department’s report would not be completed until April 6 at the very earliest.
Asked to elaborate on her motive, Williams explained, “The lunch crowd was filled with infidels, those who hate our country and its elders. No longer will they disrespect the name of Gerald Schweighart.”
When asked what would become of the traumatized survivors and those who will mourn the dead, Williams simply stated that they, “ought to put on their big boy pants and buck up for Christ’s sake.” Then, staring off at the slowly rising Champaign skyline, Williams went on, “Let the smell of their burning bodies wash over us like a memory of better times ― let it cleanse us of the cancer of progress and birth a new nostalgia on all of Champaign.”