Smile Politely

My Foray into the D-BOX

Recently, my mom decided to treat me to the newest Superman film. It wasn’t playing at the Art, so our only option was the Goodrich Savoy 16 IMAX. The place was packed, so much so that the only option we had if we wanted to sit together was purchasing tickets for a section called the D-BOX. According to their website, the Motion Designers create frame-by-frame motion effects to go along with the movie. Patrons can experience this new movie-watching technology for the bargain price of $8 on top of the cost of a regular movie ticket.

We were a little hesitant, but as the pastor says to Clark Kent, “Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust part comes later.” We took the leap.

I wasn’t quite sure how D-BOX seats worked, or if that meant the movie was in 3-D (god forbid), so I asked the friendly ticket-taker if we needed 3-D glasses. To clarify, I said, “We’re in the D-BOX.” When he just looked at me blankly, I further clarified, “Better being in the D-BOX than being a D Bag!” I laughed. He didn’t. When he determined that we didn’t need the glasses, we proceeded to the theater.

The D-BOX seats are the top two rows in the movie theater, and they are numbered so that you know exactly where to sit. We had Row I (the top row), seats 5-8. This presented our second major challenge: People were sitting in our seats. Even though the seats all have a gentle reminder that they are reserved, it doesn’t appear that anyone keeps track of who sits there. So, if you’re the parents that brought your three children under the age of 6 to see a PG-13 movie, then I am the asshole who made you move out of our seats. Sorry about that.

My first impression is that the seats are a little higher off the floor and a little farther apart than regular seats. The “motion effects” are similar to the kiddie roller coasters at the county fair, or even the gurgle of your stomach before a really productive bowel movement. You can actually control the intensity of the effects, and I put mine on maximum intensity because I like to live on the edge. You can turn it off, just in case you want to pay $8 extra for no reason.

Throughout the movie, the effects ranged from a huge, rumbling fart at worst, and a dying massage chair at best. The upside is that you can save money on refreshments, because you will be jiggled sufficiently enough to not warrant any, lest you get sick to your stomach.

The female companion of General Zod, Faora-Ul tells Colonel Hardy, “If history has taught us anything, it is that evolution always wins.” This moviegoer is not so certain that this evolution will win.

I would have preferred Smell-a-Vision.

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