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10 ways to lose your C-U virginity, part 3: Pedestrians and street traffic

10 ways to lose your C-U virginity, part 3. Check out part 1 and 2.

Part 3: Send a pedestrian to the Emergency Room

Like the swans of San Onofre, the madding horde is about to return to C-U for fall term. For many, this is their maiden voyage, their scrotal descent, and their first encounter with the great mystery of C-U street traffic.

Year-rounders are hip to the dystopic signage, irregular crosswalks, redundant nomenclature, and the endless stream of reckless bipeds blundering off the sidewalks.

This welcome is not for you; you were deflowered years ago.

This advice is for those vestal, bald, nubiles trying to navigate this dark labyrinth while texting, arguing with an inanimate GPS, and groping a campus map across their dashboard—usually all at the same time.  

So, to avoid the awkward chore of scraping a bloody orange and blue T-Shirt from your grill in the Covenant ER parking lot, here’s a few tips.

There are more than 35 streets with multiple names.

At last count, 36 streets in Champaign have been renamed in honor of somebody you don’t know, like Ted Nugent’s lesser-known brother, Tim. In some intersections, these names are posted in brown but often as prominently as the original street name, which may cause inadvertent braking, acceleration or both.

Stick to the signs in green, and relax.

No one ever says, “Meet me at the corner of Emma Scott Bridgewater Way and Fourth Street.”

Kirby becomes Florida or Florida becomes Kirby, depending on your point of view, and knowledge of video games.

This is the William Blake area of town and should be avoided at all costs. If you don’t want to end up cannibalizing your roommate with a nice bottle of Chianti, just take Springfield.

When a tune from Jah Wobble starts scrolling in your head at the intersection of Lincoln & Kirby & Florida & Lincoln, you’ll know it’s time to put the lotion back in the basket and get the hell outta there.

“No Turn on Red” is a state of mind, not an edict from on high.

This is the ambiguity that just may pop your C-U cherry. These signs show up at an amazing array of intersections, and have quite an assortment of caveats. No Turn on Red, if…     

…you have Turned on Red in the last 30 days and have already claimed a prize.

…you are a 60-year-old man on a girl’s 10-speed bike, and suffer from Daltonism.

…you, or the passenger directly behind the driver is determined to blame the current economy on President Obama.

Don’t panic; turning is overrated. Wait until the light turns green and punch it.


Crosswalks may be striped, invisible, non-striped, may or may not occur at intersections, and may require telekinesis.

Right about the time that Neil “becomes” Walnut, there is a series of pedestrian crossings that are C-U’s answer to the Running of the Bulls at Pamploma. They seem to pop up in a short two-block gauntlet that has absolutely nothing to do with the intervening streets, the traffic signals, or anything resembling the concept of human safety. What makes matters worse, if you turn left too early to find out where the fuck Neil Street went, you’ll be stuck in a Bermuda Triangle of one-way streets.

Turn left on Washington, park the car, and get a flight of tequila from Wedge. Anger, frustration, road-rage, and vehicular manslaughter are no way to start the quarter.


Jaywalking in C-U is not a misdemeanor; it is a way of life. The laughter at the idle threat of a $120 ticket echoes off the buildings in Campus Town.

That’s what student loans are for!

The solution, C-U newbie, is to hire a grad student or day laborer, (same difference) dress your victim in madras clam diggers that hang below the ass (for him), or “Pink,” camel-toe shorts (for her), dangle a single flip flop off one foot, and drape a UIUC tank-top across the torso. Now, tie your new employee to the front of your car or truck with strong nylon rope. Make sure that both the bruising from internal bleeding, and bluing from blood asphyxiation are visible in any available light.

This particular tactic is also known as The Nuge Protocol.

Make sure to rev your engine and use the external hand controlled fog lamp liberally. Much of this may give pause to a come combatants, but not all.

Safe driving!

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