Smile Politely

The spookiest things you can buy at Curtis Orchard

a squirrel figurine dressed up as an ear of corn and sitting on a shelf among other animal figurines
Tom Ackerman

It’s Spooky Season, and it’s also peak season for our own, beloved, Curtis Orchard. I recently made my annual fall visit to Curtis Orchard to look at the pumpkins up for adoption and hear the oh-so-soothing shrieks of children who have had too many doughnuts. While I was there, I of course perused the Curtis Orchard Country Store, which has a wide variety of Halloween paraphernalia up for purchase currently. Well, I say “wide variety,” but it’s actually a pretty narrow variety as Halloween stuff goes. The aggressively family-friendly orchard obviously has very quaint and quirky Halloween wares, but that’s not to say there aren’t any scares to be had there. I’ll break it down for you from least to most spooky. 

This Halloween snow globe (bat globe?) does NOT have enough BATS in it to be truly festive which I was mad about. Nothing scarier than wasted potential. 

a white hand holds a snow globe with a cat and tiny flying bats inside.
Tom Ackerman

As an adult, the scariest thing I can think of actually happening to me around Halloween is going to a party and not having a good time. Which appears to be what’s happening to this candy corn dressed as Frankenstein’s monster.

a very sad candy corn figurine with a Frankenstein scar and a tiny pumpkin in it's hands.
Tom Ackerman

I do not want to bring that kind of negative party energy into my home. 

Somebody makes SOAP for MEN now?! A terrifying thought!

a variety of soaps aimed at men they have a vintage look and scents like "accomplishment is our secret weapon"
Tom Ackerman

Next they’ll start trying to say it’s MANLY to WASH YOUR SHEETS more than ONCE PER YEAR! (I have actually used this brand of soap before. It was a gift. It was fine.)

It was deeply scary holding this tiny glass pumpkin.

a tiny clear glass pumpkin in a white persons outstretched hand
Tom Ackerman

It’s so little and perfect. What if I dropped it??!?  A tragedy beyond comprehension. 

This “Skeleton Poncho” on its own isn’t that scary…

a package of a skeleton poncho with a written description and a woman wearing it in the top right corner.
Tom Ackerman

…but some absolute genius at Curtis Orchard decided to show one off by using a plastic skeleton as the mannequin.

A skeleton standing against a wall and wearing a skeleton poncho
Tom Ackerman

This is like a normal mannequin wearing one of those t-shirts that has a picture of a bikini body on it… but like, scarier. Inspired work, but not very spooky TBH. 

Ok, let’s get into some actually scary stuff here. 

If these plastic eyes for adding to your jack-o-lantern turn out even half as chilling as the example image on the top right, they’re definitely worth every penny.

a package of giant eyeballs for jack-o-lanterns
Tom Ackerman

Speaking of eyes, this squirrel dressed as an ear of corn has the cold, dead eyes of a serial killer. 8/10 spookies; would not allow into my home under any circumstances. 

a squirrel figurine dressed up as an ear of corn and sitting on a shelf among other animal figurines
Tom Ackerman

I think you can’t actually buy this, but the Curtis Orchard Country Store has a bunch of like two-foot-tall skeletons just hangin’ around, being mischievous and such, but somebody forgot to unfold this one, so it’s in the most terrifying position I’ve ever seen a skeleton be in. I was worried it was gonna spring right at me like some backwards toad.

A skeleton in a backwards crouched position with the head facing the wrong way
Tom Ackerman


Ok, also not technically part of the Country Store, but right outside are these decorative gourds for sale. I hate looking at them for more than a few seconds at a time.

a close up picture of bumpy gourds in a variety of shapes and colors
Tom Ackerman

Their knurled skin gives me both heebies and jeebies at once. 

Alright, THE spookiest thing you can purchase at the Curtis Orchard Country Store is… this pillow with a skull on it. The design is kinda slapdash. I do not like how his hat is like 23% too small, nor do I like that the bat is clearly a different art style.

Nonetheless, this thing is spooky. I just KNOW that if I brought it home it’d be doin’ scary shit all the time like appearing in rooms I didn’t put it in, and making weird sighing sounds whenever anyone brushed up against it. Nooooo thanks folks. Y’all can keep it. 

Before I sign off, I gotta show you the one thing I actually did buy from the Country Store: this cast iron spider!

a black cast iron spider sitting in a white persons outstretched hand
Tom Ackerman

I love her. She weighs like a whole pound. A terrifying weight for a spider, I think you’ll agree, making her a potentially deadly weapon. ALSO, unlike nearly all other spiders both natural and man-made, she’s OVEN SAFE. Guaranteed to last longer than anything else mentioned in this column. I hope she becomes a family heirloom for many generations to come. 

Have a spooktastic Halloween dear readers and I’ll see you next month!

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