The Four H-O-R-S-E Men -

Bruce Weber trembled with the pleasure of clubbing hapless Iowa. He positively beamed throughout his postgame press conference.

In the public relations business, you don’t want to start every week’s news cycle with a doomsday scenario.

For one afternoon in the month of February, Weber won’t grit his teeth and fume. One Monday morning won’t seem so gloomy.

By beating the Hawkeyes, Illinois averted apocalypse.

YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN THEY’RE GONE

My ignorance of basketball allows me to write stupid things.

For one, I don’t understand the hullabaloo about our Thins. I don’t understand the sentiment about Demetri McCamey “disappearing.”

The Class of 2011 looks best when the shots go in. It’s pretty simple.

Moreover, this has been a great year for Mike Tisdale.

Beginning with the first Iowa game, Mike demonstrated a skill-set appropriate to the center position. It hasn’t diminished his abilities as a small-forward.

Tisdale can now hit from the perimeter and drop his shoulder, pin his man, and pivot to the basket.

This bodes well for his future earnings.

Should we credit Jay Price for this development? Is it more Jimmy Price’s doing? Was it Tisdale’s patient persistence, tireless gym rattiness, and fearless cheeseburger inhalation?

Someone’s gotta take the credit. Fair is fair.

On Saturday, Tisdale hit from distance and from point blank. But the part I really liked amounted to zero statistical credit.

Tisdale employed the old Steve Bardo rebound roll in offensive free throw situations. To mask his intent, he jostled his dupe so ferociously that referees Ed Hightower and Terry Wymer separately voiced warnings.

Bill Cole continues to generate reams of internet complaints. He missed all five of his three pointers Saturday, so I guess he should be mercilessly killed and disemboweled.

On the other hand, he grabbed six rebounds and blocked two shots in a first half where Illinois suffered a messy case of the runs. He finished with three steals and two dives, scoring an eight on the Matto. He continued to be where he needed to be, doing what he needed to do.

It’d be nice if the shots went in, too. But that’s the way the ball bounces sometimes.

I guess we’ll have to off him.

YOU’LL BE HAPPY HE’S STILL HERE

Jereme Richmond did not quit the team. On Saturday morning one online gaming site claimed he’d left for personal reasons.

When you’re in the business of taking money from dummies, that’s not bad misinformation to disseminate. (Another thing I don’t understand, due to my stupidity, is Vegas-infatuation. What a shithole.)

On Saturday night, Jereme helped the team in a number of ways. He changed the sticky tape for their shoes. He cajoled Mike Davis. He aroused a somnolent audience of elderly Midwesterners.

All with a busted shoulder.

THE HOARSE FOREMEN

Fran McCaffrey is the angriest, pastiest Irishman you’d ever want to see. I wonder what he’s like after eight or nine slugs of Tullamore Dew.

I don’t fault him for it. Like his countrymen, he has some legitimate gripes.

Few Illini-oriented message boards screamed “Worst.Refs.Ever.” because all the bad calls went the other way. When DJ Richardson fell out of bounds by the Iowa bench, McCaffrey was right there to see Illinois saved by a phantom foul call against Matt Gatens.

At the other end, Gatens encountered extra defense when the opposing coach joined in harassing the Hawkeye hawkeye.

“AHHHHHHHH!” yelled Bruce Weber at the junior guard as Gatens squared up from the corner. Add that to your ever-growing catalog of Weberisms.

In the postgame, Fran didn’t complain about any of it. He didn’t blame anybody. He credited Illinois’ players, and quietly added that his own troops were virus-addled and concussed.

As for Weber, it was a typical day for the fervid German, if there’s such a thing.

He called for players to switch positions on defense and inbounds plays. “Not there, Jereme!” for example.

If the players didn’t immediately respond, he gave them more and louder opportunities to hear him. “Billy! He’s your man. BILLY! BILL-EEEEEE!”

Admittedly, Weber’s admonitions didn’t always generate good outcomes. Sometimes the players looked over at him, and the next thing you know …

Referee Terry Wymer gave Weber one unofficial sideline warning. (He warned Weber, but did not report the warning to the scorer’s table or his officiating counterparts.) On another occasion, Wymer employed an old fashioned forearm shiver to dislodge Weber from his path.

At the other end, Wymer teed-up McCaffrey for mere verbal insouciance. Wymer’s German too.